We all remember being clipped on the head or backside by our parents. "Probably deserved it!", we say. But I think there are good reasons to avoid physical violence in the home, no matter what the circumstances are.
"Spanking is my last resort!" - That's exactly
the time not to use it, because it means that you are using violence to solve your own feelings of powerlessness--a powerless parent. You aren't thinking straight at that moment and do not consider that you've probably got a lot of the responsibility for letting things get out of hand.
"It's a tough world out there and my children have to learn their lessons." - I think you'll find that children are more confident about themselves and more ready to deal with the adult world, if they have received a lot of understanding and support from their parents throughtout their childhood. It is exactly the lack of understanding and support that leads children into abuse and anti-social lifestyles. It's a harsh world, but we don't have to make the home a harsh world. Kids will develop much better if the home is special, where they can take risks, try new things, and be supported. They need to have boundaries. But they can be established without beating each other up.
"But he would have hurt himself or someone else!" - Children may do bad things and endanger others' safety, but their inability to comprehend consequences is nothing more than a lack of adequate experience and awareness. Help them to understand the world and not to fear it. Don't expect small children to show remorse or sympathy. They don't develop these emotions until much later in their childhood, probably first at 8 years old. And they only do that, if they have a family environment that is supportive and caring, where their needs are taken seriously.
"I had no alternative!" - There are lots of alternatives, but they generally require more consistent application and more preventative action. Show me a child that is misbehaving and I'll show you a list of things about the immediate situation and relationships that are causing the problem. Most often, parents have not taken steps to avoid situations getting out of hand. If you don't give your kids some quality time during the day, at some stage they are going to withdraw from you and misbehave. If they've been watching TV for too long and have disconnected from the world. Are bored. There are lots of reasons. The main disciplinary tool is social rejection, e.g. timeouts. However, this will not work if the child doesn't feel included more often than they feel not included. If you don't have fun with your kid, you will never be accepted as a legitmite authority and listen to you..
A child's behavior is part of a system of relationships that create an environment which will encourage or discourage good behaviour. I think we owe to our beutiful children that we try to rethink the world we are creating for them in the home and try to change our ways to create a better space for them.
That's why I think we should discuss alternatives to spanking, and in particular what we may have to change about ourselves to become a more effective and good parents.
By the way--spanking is illegal in the following countries because of the links to negative social behavior when children become adults (see external link for more):
"In Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Croatia, Cyprus, Latvia, Italy, Israel, Germany and Austria, it is illegal for a parent, teacher, or anyone else to spank a child. In some states and provinces, it is only illegal for a teacher to spank. In all areas of North America, physical punishment by a parent, as long as it is not severe, is still seen by many as necessary discipline, and condoned, or sadly, even encouraged. "
Wombat
(April 2006) (
