Winning the battle of wills and won'ts.

I  WON'T DO IT!!  NOOOOOOOO!! 

How many times in a day do you hear this from your toddler?  If you're like me, and dealing with an increasingly independent child the answer is quite often.

As the parent of a very independent 2 1/2 year old,

Try to remember that being  effective parents will quite often mean that you are the least popular people in the house, but that is a very small price to pay at the end of the day, when you realize that you have raised a caring and sensitive adult.

Time Out-- This can be an extremely effective tool when used correctly.  Firstly the area chosen should be free of distractions, toys , or anything that the child can play with or otherwise occupy themselves.   Time out should directly co-relate to age.  For example, if your child is 2 years old, then 2 minutes is the maximum amount of time they should be in the time out area.  Number of years=Number of minutes.  Please also keep in mind that time out's are not very effective in children who are younger than 20 months of age.  Up until this point they really have no concept of why they are alone.

Time In--Time in, is a tool that I use immediately after a time out has been given.  I use the time in as an opportunity to talk to my daughter about what happened.  I sit her on my lap and talk to her about what just happened.  This is an opportunity for me as a parent to ask her if she understands why she had a time out, and it gives her an opportunity to express what she is feeling in a more productive way.  The time in is more important than the time out in most cases.  It lets the child assess what behaviour led up to the time out, and it allows us the opportunity to look at other ways to solve the problem.

Temper, Temper---Ahhh....the tantrum.  Quite often the most annoying and amusing display your child can give you.  Depending on whether it's at home or in public there are effective ways of dealing with this behaviour.  I  have found that the least effective way of dealing with this is to react to it.  That isn't to say if you're out in public that you shouldn't deal with it.  Deal with it by getting your child out of the situation and somewhere else, preferably where she isn't breaking the eardrums of people other than immediate family.  When at home however, I have found that the best thing to do is to make sure your child is in an area where they can come to no harm, and then turn your back and walk away.  Do not give them an audience or any kind of attention to the offeding behaviour.  Even negative attention is attention.  Let them have it out, and express themselves.  Whatever you do though, do not give in.  If you do, you are teaching your child that they can get whatever they want by screaming.  This type of behaviour needs to be nipped in the proverbial bud so to speak.

Once the child realizes that their ACADEMY AWARD theatrics are not getting them anywhere they will stop.  It may take a while but they will.  Once they are calm again, use the TIME IN method to talk about what happened.  Ask them why they got so angry.  Address the feelings, and stress that their feelings are valid.  Offer solutions on better ways they can express their anger.  Most importantly stress that you love them no matter what, and then move on. Don't dwell on it, and don't assign guilt.  Children don't need guilt trips.

Pick your Battles--Ask yourself, does it really matter whether or not their clothes match? Is it really worth fighting with your child over it?  Keep in mind, that sometimes on the little things it's o.k to let them win too.