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6 Wonderful Ways to Help Kids Who Worry |
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by jenlemen  (October 2006) (rank 15th) |
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Adults and kids alike have episodes of anxiety. We worry about the people we love, about our safety and about our future. Sometimes in an effort to push back our own nervousness on these points, we dismiss our children's worries with blanket statements like "Don't worry about that" or
"It will be fine." If this answer doesn't work for you personally when you are worried, chances are it's not working for your kids either. Have the courage to take your kids seriously and to teach them the skills they need to address worry productively their whole lives through. Here are six activities that have helped my kids (and me!) deal with worry:
- Make a Worry Box. When my oldest daughter Madeleine was four, she couldn't shake concerns about the pending war in Iraq. Even though we didn't have a TV, our proximity to Washington DC made safety a subject of conversation everywhere we went. Madeleine worried that we would be hurt or that the children in Iraq might lose their parents if violence broke out. When logic failed to take care of her fears, we decided to make a worry box. Together we covered a shoe box with nice paper, and Madeleine decorated it with stickers, little drawings and glitter. I drew little pictures of Madeleine being held in big safe arms and carefully cut a small slit in the top of the box when we were finished. From that point on, if Madeleine started to worry, I wrote her concern on a little slip of paper and we put it in the Worry Box. We used the box actively for about six months. It became our way of giving over our concerns and acknowledging that we were being held in a universal sense of Love much bigger than ourselves.
- Make a list. As Madeleine got a little bit older, she became more aware that some of her worst fears could indeed come true. To offset her anxiety, we began the practice of making lists. First, we would discuss the possibility. For example, Madeleine went through a spell where she worried about our house catching on fire. To address this fear, we made a list of things we could do to offset our chances of that happening. Our list included: 1. Check the batteries in the smoke alarm. 2. Never play with matches or candles. 3. Don't play near the stove. 4. Check a website for more tips on fire prevention. Often just making a list would be all we needed to put the fear to rest. If not, the list provided a plan for us to address the fear together. I've been very happy to see Madeleine initiate her own list-making now that she can write easily on her own.
- Make a worry ritual. Madeleine went through a spell where falling asleep was difficult because she was worried about something the next day at school--a bully, a test or a difficult teacher. We decided the best way to deal with this kind of worry was to establish a ritual where every night I would give Madeleine a candlelit massage. I used a orange popsicle scented lotion from Origins called "Fret Not" and while she laid quietly I sang her an old hymn called "His Eye is On the Sparrow." The words were very soothing and the gentle touch helped her let her worries go as she drifted gently off to sleep. This didn't last a long time, but it was very effective. Madeleine understands now that self-care is an effective way to deal with everyday stress. Our other favorite rituals to keep worry at bay include walking to school together and making sure we hug and kiss at the front door.
- Make time. Kids today are scheduled from morning to night. Help your kids avoid getting too stressed out about their myriad of responsibilities by limiting their activities and safeguarding any and all free time. Childhood is a very short episode in life--let your kids sink into all the joy and peace that comes from knowing how to play for hours on end. I find that my kids enter into a very calm zen zone of chilled out happiness after we've been out exploring outdoors for about an hour. It takes about that long for them to let go of all the structure that stresses them out. We don't get out often, but when worry becomes an everyday subject, I know it's time to reserve a big chunk of time for something outside the box.
- Make a change. Sometimes our kids are chronically worried because the things we are asking them to do simply do not fit their needs or their personality. When I was finally able to admit to myself that Madeleine's very strict immersion program was never going to be a good fit for her lovely wild spirit, I started taking the necessary steps to improve her environment. Doing so greatly reduced her anxiety, deepened her confidence in our connection and made space for us to find a nearby public school that was a perfect fit. Knowing that I was registering her stress helped all of us make a change that made all the difference.
- Make friends with a worry specialist. Sometimes kids and parents need outside help to see the forest for the trees when worry is looming large. If your child seems despondent or if worrying becomes obsessive, ask your pediatrician to recommend a developmental psychologist to help you through. Growing up can be hard for kids (and parents!) and sometimes we need to call in all our resources to make sense of particularly difficult patches of learning and growing together. Don't hesitate to ask for help if your intuition starts to tell you that your child is dealing with something bigger than everyday worry.
copyright 2006 jenlemen
