5 Kind Ways to Connect with your Kids

One of my best friends recently sent the last of her four children off to college.  Even though all of her children are grown and living far away now, I've been impressed by the level of connection she still enjoys with each one of her kids.  Her children call her frequently to chat or to update her on their latest activities.  Not only that, her children know how to be emotionally involved not only with their mother but with a rich network of other family members and friends.  When I told her I really wanted to foster this kind of warm ability to connect with my children as they grew older, she gave me some great encouragement.  "Just keep doing what you're doing," she said.  "All the little things you do to connect with your kids now really count.  The key is to keep it up as they grow older--especially when they are teenagers and you're tempted to think they don't need it as much.  Just keep trying to connect in some way everyday." 

So with that encouragement from my friend, I pass on to you my five favorite ways to connect with my kids:

• Just you and me.  When Carter was a toddler/pre-schooler, we established a ritual of going to a local pizzeria every week or so for lunch.  We ordered the same thing every time (a teeny tiny personal pizza with cheese), sat at the same table (by the window) in the same chairs.  It didn't cost a lot to share this simple meal, and we both came to enjoy the rhythm of this little habit we created together.   Over time, the woman at the counter knew us by name, and we were both very happy to be "regulars" at our special place.  When the pizza place closed down, we moved our little party to a restaurant across the street where for a few dollars we can share some milk and cookies. 
  
• Dine in or take out?  In, please.  Now that Madeleine is a grade schooler, I make it a habit to eat lunch with her in the cafeteria, every other week.  She looks forward to me popping by and always tells all her friends when I'll be coming.  On these special days, I like to bring us a "grownup lunch" to share--either hot leftovers from dinner the night before or something cheap and exotic from one of our many ethnic restaurants down the street.  Madeleine is happy for her friends to see us together, and our lunch times are a bright spot in her day.
• Light the candle, everything's all right.  Both my children are so happy when I make them a special candlelit bath at the end of  a hard day.  On these special occasions, I line the corners of the tub with little tea lights, run a sudsy, bubbly bath and turn the lights down low.   To add to the ambience, sometimes I'll bring a CD player to the bathroom so they can hear some relaxing music while I help them bathe.   I enjoy hearing about their day in this relaxed setting, and they enjoy the soothing ambience.  I'm sure they'll be needing some privacy before too long, but right now these are special connecting times we all cherish.
• You pick this time.  One surefire way to connect with my kids is to let them direct the interaction.  My initial resistance to giving up control melts away with a little self-talk, and I find myself deeply enjoying these times together.  Right now Carter's connecting game of choice is kitty-cat--a make-believe game requiring lots of snuggling and purring.  Madeleine prefers to connect by doing some kind of art activity which is something I enjoy under all circumstances.  I've found that some of the nicest interactions we have happen when I gather my courage, and let my kids pick.
• Night-time snuggle.  Nothing makes my kids happier than knowing I'll lay down with them at the end of the day.  This is the time to hear their innermost thoughts--about who's nice at school, who hurt their feelings and what they hope they'll find in their dreams that night.  During this time I often ask them to tell me their highs and lows--the best and worst about what happened earlier in the day.  Holding a child in my arms as she gets drowsy leaves us both with the feeling of connection and love.  Both kids love to hear how much I love them and how happy I am to be their mom.

What are your favorite ways to connect with your kids?  I'd love to hear your ideas and stories in the comments.