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Discouragement: Dealing with the Dark Side of Parenting |
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by jenlemen  (October 2006) (rank 17th) |
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Sometimes parenting is not fun. We are drained, exhausted and emotionally spent. Our children are on our nerves, and nothing is falling into place the way that we hoped it would. We go about our days, convinced we're the only ones not enjoying our experience of parenting. We wonder
what's wrong with us and why no one else is complaining. Here are four things to do when the pressure is mounting and you can't keep your discontent to yourself any longer.
- Write it down. Set the timer for ten minutes and write away. This is the venue to say whatever you want about your frustrations with parenting, your partner or your child. Give yourself permission to be as graphic and as specific as you need to be--you can always burn the evidence as soon as you're finished. Too many times our stress levels become worse because we are trying so hard to conform to some societal ideal of the happy, perfect parent. By acknowledging your darker emotions, you give yourself permission to let go of an image of ideal that simply does not exist.
- Send guilt packing. Sometimes we feel anxious and pensive as parents because we're trying to honor some version of parenthood passed down to us from someone else. We dutifully recite the "shoulds" and "musts" in hopes of becoming the parents we think someone expects us to be. Make a list of the internal rules you are trying to uphold. If you have trouble starting, write "I should" ten times on a blank page and see if you can finish each sentence. As you read your list outloud in a private place, ask yourself where you've heard this rule before. Is it your mother? Another friend or relative? Acknowledge the extra instructions for parenting you've been carrying and consider what it would mean to let even one "should" go during the week to come.
- Step up your self-care. Most of the time our stresses as parents increase in direct proportion to our lack of attention to our own needs. If you could have one creature comfort right now, what would it be? Hot bath? Time to read a book in silence? A nap? Put that item at the top of your to-do list during the coming week. Many times the simple act of taking care of ourselves gives us the energy we need to give our children what they require. Don't worry if your kids seemingly object to your slight pull towards personal center. The whole world will be brighter--for everyone--when you catch up on taking care of you.
- Confess. Close your eyes and imagine yourself telling one person the whole truth about how you feel right now. What's the worst thing that can happen if you follow through? What's the best? Let yourself imagine the relief of not holding in your discontent any longer, and begin to plan your real life confession. Scan your circle of family, friends and acquaintances who can stand in the truth of this situation with you. Whose name pops in your head? Don't be afraid to follow your intuition if someone you never thought of before comes to mind. The point is to reach out and connect. Family doctors, school counselors and neighborhood clergy represent the kind of people in your community who are trained to accept honest conversation without judgment or blame if telling someone in your inner circle doesn't feel like a possibility. If at any point, you feel tempted to hurt yourself or your child, reach out for professional help immediately.
Every parent on the planet has dark days where it takes all the energy you have to keep going. Know that even in the hardest moments, you are not alone. Let's create the kind of community at Minti where we can be honest with one another when we're discouraged and give each other the inspiration and kindness we each need to do right by our children and ourselves. Every tiny effort you are making matters and will not be wasted--hang in there!
copyright 2006 jen lemen
