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 4.60 (Highly recommend) from 31 votes (874 Visits) |
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When You Have to Say No: Strategies for Parents with Persistent Kids |
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by jenlemen  (October 2006) (rank 10th) |
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Some kids have a very difficult time taking no for an answer. These children see endless possibilities and don't mind asking permission to do things that would never cross your mind. How do you deal with a child who is very persistent and doesn't mind applying pressure when she comes up with one more great idea? Here's the approach I've taken with my very persistent daughter when the answer needs to be "No":
- Restate her request. "Are you asking me if you can go to see the neighbor's new kittens right now?" Sometimes with persistent kids, we assume that the plan is unworkable. By asking, we can check our assumptions before saying no automatically. If the request is reasonable, no harm done by asking. If not, then at least we are clear about what's on the table and can adjust our answer accordingly.
- State your position calmly and clearly. "I am not willing to let you go see the neighbor's kittens right now because it's time for dinner. Sorry, love, but my answer is no." Persistent kids need very clear answers and reasons. It's important to use the same sentence and to avoid an involved conversation on the subject--especially if you have no intention of saying yes after a discussion. If my daughter continues to ask in hopes of wearing me down, I write my position on a piece of paper and give it to her in writing. End of negotiation. Somehow putting something down on paper makes it feel more official. But, if you know it's just a matter of timing or logistics, say so, and move on to number 5.
- Offer up some empathy. It's very frustrating to be a child with limited control over your choices--especially when it comes to deciding what's safe and age-appropriate. You can maintain your "no" while offering empathy at the same time. "I see you're really disappointed about the cats. You were really wishing that it would work out, weren't you?" Sometimes parents are afraid to be kind in these situations because they fear that they'll be unnecessarily swayed by the child's disappointment. But saying no can be an occasion for bonding when you offer your empathy and offer your child their desire in a wish instead. "I wish now was a better time, too" along with a hug can be just the thing to help your child feel the disappointment and move on.
- Make space for tears. Some children (and grownups!) just need the emotional release of crying when they are faced with an unexpected "No!" Make a special space on a comfy chair where kids can be sad for a few minutes. Wrap her in a soft blanket, hand her a tissue and tell her you are glad she's getting her tears out. Weepy times don't need drama or audience, so feel free to go back to your tasks while she processes for a little while.
- Make a plan. If the only thing keeping you from saying yes is logistics or timing, say so. Ask your child if she would be willing to make a plan to do the desired activity at a more appropriate time. "Buddy, would you be willing to go see the kitty-cats after dinner? I'm happy to walk over with you after we clear the table." Most of the time, even the most persistent kids will flex if they know the answer will eventually be yes. If you know it will be weeks or months before you can say yes, make a tenative plan on a piece of paper. Write down as many details as possible, including as much input from your child as you can about the details of the plan.
- Make it public. No matter what you decide, use the refrigerator as a place to post future plans or dead-set rules about what you decided. If the answer to a certain request is always no, you can refer the persistent child to the frig as a reminder when the subject comes up again. If the answer is a potential yes and plans are in place, you can remind your persistent child that you have not forgotten with a simple gesture. The posted plan becomes a building block of trust and an opportunity to help your child see that this "yes" will definitely become reality sooner than later.
Persistent kids need strength, calm and consistency to learn how to hear "no." I try to remind myself that while persistence is not a particularly helpful trait in childhood, it's exactly the kind of quality you need as an adult to pursue and fulfill your dreams. By taking this route, I've been able to honor my daughter's strength and maintain my own personal boundaries. Together we're learning how to communicate when we disagree about what's happening next--a skill that will help us both for many more years (and plans!) to come.
Do you have a persistent child? Feel free to add your thoughts about living with a strong child in the comments below. |
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| ADVICE RATING |
4.60 (Highly recommend) from 31 votes |
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saying no
I have a very tough time saying No to my youngest, and she is only 3yrs, but she always wants to be in my arms, it gets me so frustrated......I'll be trying to cook tea, or do dishes or something and she expects me to be holding her at the same time. I have tried so often to break the habit, but it just seems to get worse. I try to get her to go to dad, but that rarely works, he does most of the cooking now thankgoodness!!! I try ignoring her and concentrating on what i am trying to do, but she pins me down climbs my legs, pushes into me and gets louder and loouder b4 she throws herself on the ground, so i try and get her interested in playing or drawing, or even doing her teeth, cos then she can be next to me at the sink, whetther i'm doing dishes or cooking..... that rarely works also, and i end up giving in. My partner keeps telling me off for it as i have a really bad wrist and back and holding her does not make them any better.....
If anyone has any advice i would be grateful for anything else i could try.....
thanks
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Related keywords: adjust, age-appropriate, answer, bonding, cooperation, daughter's, depression, disagree, disappointment, empathy, hug, kids, negotiation, parents, persistence, persistent, respect, strategies, strength, tenative
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