When I was 26, my son was stillborn. Eleven months later, my daughter Eden was born via an unplanned c-section. The surgery caused me to spike a fever from a uterine infection, a heat wave hit the city, and Eden refused to nurse. Six weeks later, my husband 
graduated from him Master’s program and we moved back to the U.S. I took with me a newborn, twenty extra pounds, and an unfinished thesis.
For the next 30 days we lived in a temporary place provided by my husband’s employer while we frantically looked for something in a housing market where properties sold before the realtor could even get the ‘for sale’ sign up. During this time we entertained friends from out of town, and tried to sleep as the kids in the pool stayed up late drinking and shouting “Marco!” “Polo!” A month after our first move, we bought our first house and moved again.
I remember sitting in the house looking at heaps of boxes, all half-unpacked, trying to get up enough energy to take off my slippers and put my shoes on for a short walk around the block with Eden in her stroller. I rarely made it. During this time, I was reading the funny and helpful Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood,. I remember the author, Vicki Iovine, describing how one of her girlfriends wore the same maternity overalls for months after the delivery of her child, didn’t get a haircut, and rarely left the house. All the girlfriends were saying, ‘Yeah. She’s postpartumish.”
“Poor girl,” I thought. “I certainly would notice if that happened to me.”
Then I adjusted the buckle on my overalls.
Even while I was reading that women with post partum depression rarely notice that they are ‘postpartumish,’ I would roll over and try to get the gumption up to cook some dinner. One night my husband cajoled me into going to dinner at a friend’s house. I tried to beg off, but to no avail. I finally gave in and pulled on one of his oversized sweatshirts, only to find that he had organized a small surprise party for my birthday. The whole time I was there, all I wanted to do was go home. When I look at pictures from that party I cannot believe no one realized I was depressed. It was right there in full color—complete with the dark circles, pale skin, and hair that hadn’t seen a salon in months. I never realized how deeply depressed I was – nor did I realize this was the normal status of most people who had experienced a death followed rapidly by a traumatic birth, moved to another country, bought a house, and then moved again in less that a year (most of it in less than three months!) In fact even just being the mother of a newborn was enough to cause such a funk. It was a dark time, and I still lament the way those early months with my daughter were dampened and dimmed. If ever Prozac was called for, I was screaming its name. Why didn’t I see it? Where were my girlfriends? And why in the world didn’t my doctor catch it?
It’s (not) Just Normal: One of the reason I didn’t recognize postpartum depression, was because I thought what I was feeling was “normal” for moms of newborns. While it’s true that raising a new born is usually exhausting, it’s not normal to feel so depleted that you can’t walk around the block. Nor is it normal to want to hide out from any and all social events. And while it is depressing to not fit into your pre-baby clothes, you should be okay with wearing something other than your maternity overalls. If you start feeling like you just can’t get up the energy to lift a spoon, wash your face, or go outside, talk to you doctor about postpartum depression
The “F” Word: Another reason I didn’t get the help I needed was because I didn’t want to be seen as a failure. When I spoke with my doctors, or with my one girlfriend who also had kids, I did want to say, “Oh my god, I so totally suck at this. I’m crying all the time and I don’t know what to do with this wailing little bundle.” I felt like I had already “failed” my first child when he died in utero, I felt I’d “failed” at delivery when my midwife called for a c-section, and I’d pumped for three weeks so I wouldn’t ‘fail’ at nursing. I certainly didn’t want to admit to anyone that I wasn’t coping well as a new mother! So, when the doctor asked me how things were going, I just said ‘fine.’ I wish she would have asked me more about my social life, how much I was getting out, or how my energy level was. Unfortunately we only talked about how the baby was doing – which thankfully, truly was fine.
Being that hindsight is always 20/20, here are my suggestions. Before you deliver, sit down with your doctor and give him/her a list of questions you would like him/her to ask after your delivery. Are you getting out even for short walks or outings? Are you tired or truly exhausted? Have you done anything other than nurse your baby the past few weeks? Then go over that list with your doctor every time you take the baby in for a well-check. Also, try to keep in mind that raising a newborn is hard, and that it’s not a failure to ask for help. It’s normal, and in fact, it’s downright smart.
Enlist an Assessor: Okay, this one might be harder to do. But, if you have any girlfriends or mentors who are moms and are really good at “telling it like it is,” enlist them to help you assess how you are doing in regards to post partum depression. Give them the list you gave you doctor and ask them to call you every two weeks for a check up. And by all means, if they tell you to go get Prozac, listen! Even if it means quitting nursing early (and it might not) it will be better than feeling miserable during your baby’s first months.
One More Tip: One thing I finally figured out is that much like PMS, post partum depression can shift with your hormones. I would sometimes have another short bout with depression when my baby started nursing more during a growth spurt, or when the baby started to slow down her nursing towards weaning. (Both my girls self-weaned around 8 months.) Anytime there’s a shift in your ‘hormone stew’ you might have a spike of depression. This can be right after birth, during nursing, or even as you start to get your body back and resume your periods. Sometimes just knowing what is going on is enough to help you weather the storm until your hormones balance, out or until your body gets used to the new mix.
The bottom line is, if you or any of your girlfriends even thinks you might be “postpartumish” go get some help! You’re NOT a bad mom and you CAN do this…all you need is to “get high with a little help from your friends.” (Legally and pharmaceutically of course! :)
(October 2006) (
Lexi xxx
