Couples therapy

My Husband and I have just started couples therapy and our counselor is fantastic.  So much so that I feel compelled to pass on her pearls of wisdom so that it may help some others out there, who may need to nudge their relationship back onto the right track.

Think of your relationship as a third entity.  That is, there is you, there is your partner and there is the relationship.  The relationship you may be surprised to realise may appear to look  completely different to your partner than it does to you, where it is now, where it has been and where it is going, may all be perceived as polar opposites, even though you thought you were on the same page as each other.

Be specific.

Saying you want more family time may not be specific enough.  When you say that you want more family time, what is it that you are picturing EXACTLY?

Laughing, playing in the park, no outsiders, just immediate family?????  Your partners idea of more family time may well be sitting in front of the T.V. watching a movie in the same room as you and the kid/s, or him working in the garden whilst you're hanging out the washing.............this is what I was very surprised to realise was happening with us.  I perhaps have a slightly unrealistic and romanticised idea of what I want out of our precious family time, where as my husband seems to think that if he's at home rather than at the pub or at a mates house that to him is perceived as family time.  Two very different out comes to one ideal that I assumed I had made clear and he just wasn't listening about.

The wish tin

The wish tin is used every second day.  It can be any old container you like (I covered an empty formula can for ours) you each have 5 different coloured pieces of paper and on the these you each write something you would like from the other person in specifics.  For example, Yesterday I pulled out mine from my hubby and it said "Instead of getting angry at me, take a deep breath and smile" and mine to him was "If you say you are going to do something, you MUST do exactly what it is you say you are going to do, no excuses".  You then put the paper back into the tin and try very hard to do what the request asked of each of you.  You are not supposed to tell the other person which card you got, the changes in behavior are supposed to be noticed as a pleasant change, however Hubby wanted to know what I got so for the first one we did tell each other, and it did lighten an otherwise heavy mood.  Every 2 weeks you each write a fresh batch of requests and repeat the process.  My hope is that some of the requests might stick around, I'm sure hubby is hoping for something similar.

Don't play the "Blame Game"

Instead of sitting down and saying, "this went wrong because you did 1.THIS and 2.THAT etc. be THAT specific before the event so that it has more of a chance of going right.  There really is very little point in recounting the entire disaster point by point, it just gets you upset or angry all over again.  I found that I have a tendency to do this a lot and now that I realise it is counter productive I am making a concerted effort to change this.

Also everybody has a "Stress Bucket".  Sooner or later, unless you have the tools in place to successfully and regularly empty you bucket, the bucket will over flow and a lot of people will be drenched in your stress.  Learn how to regularly tip your bucket before it over flows and splashes those around you, in a safe and positive way.   I shall endeavor to pass on what I learn in counseling as I am sure we are not the only couples in the world who are not where they thought they'd be at this stage of their relationship.