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 4.79 (Highly recommend) from 152 votes (25494 Visits) |
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Gender appropriate toys: Is it a big deal for your son to play with a baby doll? |
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by Kristen  (October 2006) (rank 134th) |
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My friend Laura is quite the feminist. She has worked hard in her job and has gone straight to the top. When she was 30, she and her husband decided to have a child. She got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl, Maddie. Laura always swore that she was going to do whatever it took to make sure that her daughter didn't become a "girly girl" or find herself "pigeon-holed" by being a girl. To combat this, she decided that she would only buy trucks and cars for Maddie to play with. It seemed to work for a while but then one night Laura came into Maddie's room to check on her girl and found that Maddie had tucked her Tonka truck in beside her, taking care to make sure that the blanket was up nice and high so her dear truck wouldn't get cold. The next day Laura went out and bought Maddie a doll. Maddie kept playing with her trucks and cars but she was opened to a whole new world of being able to care and nurture her baby.
So when I took Ethan to preschool, I was faced with a similar situation. We have never really purchased a lot of toys for him so everything he plays with is a gift from someone else. He loves to play with cars and trucks and blocks. But when we got to his class, Ethan made a beeline directly for the baby dolls. He picked one up so tenderly and gave it a hug. I thought it was the sweetest thing. And excellent preparation for the new baby on the way. Then another little boy ran over and did the same thing. His mother, however, was not as pleased.
"Oh, no, Junior. That's for girls." She looked at the teacher apologetically and said , "and I can't seem to keep him out of his sister's play kitchen set. I try to tell him that the kitchen is for girls." Ethan's preschool teacher made a joke about how she wished the kitchen was for girls because her three grown sons can cook up a storm but her daughter can't even boil water.
I almost hyperventilated at the thought of a kitchen being only for girls. I instantly thought of my friend who told me that her 16 year old son still expects her to make him a snack when he comes home from school every day. When this friend told me that, I asked if he had anything wrong with his hands. I cannot even imagine any child asking me to make a snack at 16. I'm trying to figure out now exactly how much longer until Ethan is self-sufficient. I didn't bring it to this woman's attention that some of the most famous of chefs in the world are men and that if she played her cards right, she could have dinner on her table every night without ever having to lift a finger. I wondered if her daughter was stuck cleaning the bathrooms and the dishes while her son would eventually only have to take out the trash as a chore. I don't have a daughter, but I do know that my husband is messier than me in the bathroom. And my son is learning fast. As far as I am concerned, as soon as his little hand can operate a toilet brush, he has a new job.
So why are we so concerned about our sons wearing our shoes? If wearing women's shoes as a small child causes any sort of issue when a boy gets older, nearly every man in the world would now be a cross-dresser. I don't know of one person whose mom doesn't tell a story about how they used to try to walk in Mom's shoes when they were little. It doesn't seem to be as big a deal if our daughters are walking around in Dad's shoes. And why do our sons try on our shoes, our clothes and carry around our purses when they are little? Maybe because they are more colorful, shiny, fun and different from what they normally wear. Little brothers like to wear what their big sisters are wearing sometimes too. Ethan wears Dad's shoes too, but who wants to clomp around in those 10 pound boots when you can try to balance your foot on a shoe with a tiny little heel? Now that's a challenge. Let's be honest. For all those of us who have been forced to wear high heels for years--once the novelty wears off they are a pain in the calf.
By making a big deal out of what is proper for a boy and what is proper for a girl, we just might be stifling our children's willingness to explore and learn by trying new things.
copyright 2006
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4.79 (Highly recommend) from 152 votes |
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Re: Gender appropriate toys: Is it a big deal for your son to play with a baby doll?
I have two daughters who are happy to play with any toys, dolls, cars, trucks, pretend kitchens, toy tools, toy golf clubs/balls, footy etc and also a son, he's 11 months old now but when he gets older and if he wants a doll or 'girl' toys then I will buy them for him. One day I was in the supermarket and this little boy (probably about 3 years old) wanted a drink so he went and grabbed a pink strawberry milk from the fridge. His dad says "no mate, that's a girly colour" I felt like saying "it's ok, drinking pink milk won't make him gay"
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Re: Gender appropriate toys: Is it a big deal for your son to play with a baby doll?
OMG, We had the same thing once in our childcare center. The boy was brought into the center wearing girls clothes and hair that flowed down his back and he was 4. He had a name that could be considered a boys name or girls name. (I don;t wish to repeat the name just incase I offend someone)
The mother told us straight off that he was a boy but we were to treat him like there was nothing different. We said of course we would and we would have even if she had said nothing.
The other children in class picked up immedeatly that there was something not right to them. We introduced him only with his name as we would anyone else and he was in a girls dress and had the longest hair in the class. But within an hour the first child asked him if he was a boy or a girl. The little boy would not answer and we direscted everyone to play in other eareas and switch. Before long another child asked the boy the same thing. This went on and on and we were forced not to answer when the children came to the teachers and asked if he was a boy girl. I just said he was a new friend and everyone should make him feel welcomed and play nicely. Or a few times I said he is shy and apparently does not want to answer your questions.
The first thing the mother said when she returned to pick him up was, how did the other chidlren respond to him and did anyone ask if he was a boy or girl. They never returned to our center. The odd thing was that it was almost like a hidden camera show to see how we would respond to this unsual day. The mother was only interested in this one thing and not how his day went or was he happy. And no explanation was givien to why he was dressed that way. Was it his liking or was it hers?
The boy is now in piblic grade school and I have seen him many times and his hair is still long but wears clothes that could be girl or boy but never dresses to school. I think using the restrooms was a probelm for the school and they had to ask he not wear dresses so the other children would not freak out when seeing a girl in the boy's restroom. Or at least that is what I was told by someone. He also has a younger brother who I have seen and he also has very long hair but does not wear dresses when I have seen them.
I just had to share this story (I have others like that, like the girl who wanted to be called a boy and the boy who had to have his mother's slip everyday and the boy who ONLY played with barbies and would tell everyone that)
I think it sad that the other children did look at this child as odd and in the same turn they ALL play with girl like things and boy like things but something about not dressing your part is not acceptable to even the very young.
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Kids will be kids!
We live in a society so driven by fear it's a wonder we manage as people on any level. Little one's aspire to be just as we are. They're not focused on gender-specific activities, or dress, or anything else to that effect. I mean, granted, if they're behavior starts leaning one way or the other, then it becomes something to take a closer look at. Otherwise, by us jumping in assumption of what may be happening, we completely miss out on what is actually going on. And if by chance it's my son playing with dolls, then the dolls become a tool I will use to teach him the right way to touch girls, and of course what a bad touch is. Our children provide us with opportunities to teach them all the time, but how can we if we're always afraid of what their actions mean?
I say boldly parent where our children are right now, and let tomorrow wait in line. I'm in it for today!
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boys and girls come out to play
As a childcare Group Leader, part of my philosophy is "I believe all children, regardless of race, gender or age, should have access to all toys, music and books on offer and never be restricted with play" and this is simply because I believe that for a child to truly grow, that child should try a bit of everything to see what takes his/her fancy. My daughter has a lot of toys. She has a huge Thomas the Tank Engine Take-Along collection. She also has a large container for her My Little Pony and Puppy In My Pocket toys. She has a cupboard full of blocks and Lego. She has a kitchen set and a big container for all the pots and pans and food for her little kitchen. She has cars and trucks that she plays with that are on the same shelf as her doll items. Her dolls stay in the pram/basket or in her bed, but their clothes and things are in a box on the shelf. She has only a few cds but they include Hi 5, Wiggles and an Aboriginal music cd. She has more books then you could poke a stick at: All the hard cover Disney movie books, the entire Far Away Tree set, A full shelf and a half of Little Golden Books. I couldn't imagine resticting her in play! She has a dress-up box under her bed with a fairy outfit, a Disney Princess Cinderella dress, a Batman and Spiderman outfit, and lots of swords, chainsaws, etc. She has friends over, boys and girls, and the boys dress up as Cinderella sometimes with the tiara and the shoes and start cooking in her play kitchen and the mums think it's cute and can't wait for them to be preparing meals when they're older!
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Great article
I still cant believe that parents would push a child towards one toy or other, esp the kitchen! One of the biggest favours my mil did was to teach my DH how to cook, & how talk to women (coz we really communicate differently lets face it) as a child! Having worked in a "mans job" I've had to face people's reactions and prejudices, so I really dont want to steer my daughter towards or away from certain toys which might close off career paths or hobbies to her.
Already she's picking up on other's prejudices, like insisting a baby in a blue swim cozzy must be a boy although it was full body, or a teenage lad with long hair is a lady! Her favourite toys are all "boy" or neutral ones, eg train set, marble tower, cars. The dolls usually only get a look in when friends come to play.
However, I have noticed two things happening naturally: 1. the water pistol is only a WATER pistol, its no good without water and no fingers, bananas or sticks have ever been turned into guns & 2. real babies are interesting. Among my group of friends the boys all, regardless of the mums attempts otherwise, play "BANG you're dead" in some shape or form. The girls do not. Most of the boys ignored crying babies; the girls all came running!
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I agree.
As a child, my parents paid attention to what interested me and bought me toys of both "genders". My favourite most treasured toys were my tonka trucks, matchbox cars, moulded army figurines, and lego. My dolls, doll houses,and tea sets were totally ignored. When I had my face painted at the fete, I demanded a Spiderman face. I didn't want some boring girly butterfly! At school I fought for the right to do woodwork and metalwork classes instead of cooking and sewing. With the support of my parents, I won. I'm a relatively normal self-sufficient independant hetrosexual female, and as I write this I am wearing a skirt.
When out shopping one day I offered to buy my boys a cheap toy to share. They looked at what was available and chose a small doll. I had no problem with that. At my neighbours garage sale they wanted me to buy the doll pram. The doll, the teddybears, and even the cars and trucks were pushed around the yard in that pram for about a year before the wheels eventually fell off it (after they tried to push each other around one day). Yet you couldn't get two more boyish boys.
Children learn through play. Name me one woman that won't appreciate a man that isn't scared to, and is capable of, cooking, cleaning, and looking after the children. Name me one man that won't appreciate a woman that isn't scared to, and is capable of, working a job to support her family, fixing things around the house, and driving her kids to school.
Boy or girl, man or woman, we are all human and we are all individual. We should treat our children as such.
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Other peoples reactions
Great Topic. We have three children- a girl now 13 and two boys (6 and 8). The middle child was a living doll for our daughter as he was born when she was 5. when he was a toddler she would even put make up on him, dress him up etc. When our third was due we bought our then 18 month old son an anotomically correct boy baby doll (we knew we were having another boy). This was great preperation for him and he would copy my actions with his new brother - bathing, dressing and feeding his baby.
Nowadays our 8 year old loves Karate, Football, Cricket, Basketball and playing 'Warriors, he also loves his bmx bike and roller blades, the skate park and climbing trees. He enjoys cooking and is a keen gardener. He loves animals and is fascinated by nature- a member of the junior field naturalists and is skilled on the computer. He reads and writes at a high level and is also a competant athlete with amazing balance and skills- he is sensitive and caring but can be just as loud and rowdy as the next boy. He rescues injured critters and wants a snake for a pet.
( all up a pretty well rounded sort of a kid i think).
The thing is he STILL loves that baby doll.... it really is like his baby- he will have months where he wont even think about it then he will come across it and out it will come- it will get wrapped in blankies and carried around - maybe watch telly (lol) and share a snack. It will have a special bed on his bed and is loved to death. (then it tends to fade into the background again).
When he was younger I bought a stroller for him and he would take the baby for walks. The thing is he STILL occasionally wants to take the baby doll for a walk. Now this is where I get a little uneasy - I have no problem with him playing with the doll - I just worry about the reactions of others and possible negative consequences for him if other boys a year or two older from his school see him out and about pushing a dolls pram. So i somewhat reluctantly have suggested that now he is 8 perhaps it is time to leave the doll at home - however occasionally he does carry it when we take the dogs for a walk in the evening.
Then recently i visited the school and noticed half a dozen 8 and 9 year old girls from my sons class playing with their baby dolls in the playground and I felt sad that I had put that barrier up for my son- even though I do feel it is probably avoiding potential bullying. So it raises a lot of mixed feelings with me now. Its an interesting subject though and there is no problem with him playing with his baby here at home.
Kinda tricky though. DH however finds the doll thing uncomfortable now (he doesnt say anything to our son or stop him though) - although he didnt care when our son was younger - after about age 6 he started to look a bit uneasy lol.
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boys and girls
My daughter plays with boys and girls things. She loves her dolls as much as she loves playing with cars and trucks. She helps me around the house doing housework, tidying up etc, and she also loves to help her dad out in the shed, and playing with hammers, spanners and helping him with guy things, and we let her do both boy and girl things. There's nothing wrong with it my eyes, and i don't mind that a boy plays with dolls, kitchen set either, there's nothing wrong with it, and i agree with what you said, that there are alot of guys out there doing girls things like chefs etc, and some of them are a lot better cooks than some of us females.
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toys help teach
Baby dolls teach nurturing and motherhood for little girls, but why not let boys participate too ? Your story of how your son loved on the baby doll is so sweet ! I don't plan on going out and buying my boy a doll, but if he had a chance to play with one, well it wouldn't be a big deal to me ... My husband on the other hand , well he thinks differently.... but he is older and old fashioned .... We recently moved and there was a baton left here in our new home. Typically a "girl's" toy, but my one year old boy loves it ! He just parades around carrying it like the leader of a marching band ! There was also a play kitchen left at our new home that I cleaned up and was willing to let my boy play with (he took no interest, though so I gave it away) but anyway ... He could have played with the kitchen if he had wanted to because I want my boy to learn to cook ... at least for himself ! Gender specific roles are breaking down more and more over the years ... So our toys (which teach) should not be so specific ... In the 50's moms wore aprons, men never cooked and men never changed a diaper .... Not so today .... I hope to enlighten my son and to teach him how to cook, do dishes, do laundry, sew a button and maybe even tend to a baby .... Love this article !
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Related keywords: appropriate, boy, boys, cross-dresser, doll, dolls, dressing, gender, girls, nurture, pigeon-holed, play, playing, preschool, self-sufficient, toys, up | |  | | | Related TagsAddappropriate, boy, boys, cross-dresser, doll, dolls, dressing, gender, girls, nurture, pigeon-holed, play, playing, preschool, self-sufficient, toys, upBookmarksNo bookmarks found | |  | |  |
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!!
Thankfully we still have the barbie car.. :)
