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Time out for fatherhood" - was the leader in the Australian (Dec 2004). Macquarie Bank managers were sent on a 2-day weekend course with....their sons! Most of them had never spent more than a few hours alone at a time with their sons, and most of the boys were
between 6 and 12 years old. That really worries me!
I don't want to sound cynical, but when companies have to send their staff on courses to get to know their families, then I wonder where the world is heading! I thought teambuilding was for colleagues. The next thing will be courses like "Get to know your partner: Changing jobs? Why not take the opportunity to get beyond first name basis with your life-partner."
I know that work can be important, but when we start putting everything including our most important relationships--and dare I say, responsibilities--in a distant second-place, then I think someone needs to shake our "values tree" and remind us why we came to the world.
Diatribe, aside. I think kids are really important. And girls and boys growing up with distant fathers--and for that matter mothers, dedicated career types, is a big mistake. A big mistake!
Four years ago, when my son was 10 months, my wife and I took a sabbatical for 4 months. We went on a 3-month camping trip on the east coast of Australia and then a 1-month tour of South Africa. We had plenty of time for each other and I got close to my son. Real close. Since then I have been changing my career priorities even more. When I took my sabbatical, I missed out on becoming the Head of Human Resources in a major telco. Big pay-rise, responsibility, great CV. When I came back, one of my colleagues had the job instead of me. And you know what, I was happy. I'd had an experience for life that makes me prouder and more satisfied than almost anything I've ever done in my working career. Two years later, I had my dream job as the Head of HR Development, 12 employees, lots of responsibility and the CEO's ear. I also had the joy of welcoming my second child into the family. And you know what? I resigned and took a year off to spend time with my family and try out all of those things that a full-time job preclude. Now 18 months into my seachange, I'm still hanging out working casually and part-time here and there. Living cheaply, plenty of time with my wife and kids. It's not glamorous, it's not always as exciting as my old job, but it fills up my soul with lots of good nutritious stuff. I'm a better person, more balanced and relaxed than ever. I think, too, that I'm better at work.
I have two important things to say: Firstly, I want my kids to remember me as being a big part of their lives. Not like my own Dad who regrets every day that he never spent any time with his family when we were still young. The best time to spend with your children is in the first 10-12 years of their lives. As teenagers, they begin to distance themselves from you, so make the most of it when they are young, when they want to hug, sit on your knee and love every minute of your company. (Teenagers, I believe, are less inclined to participate in these fantastic things!). Secondly, careers can wait. We live in a world of plenty, unless you are so greedy that you want a plasma tv in every room of your 20 -bedroom mansion. Live within your means and value time more than anything else. (No man on his death-bed says that he should have spent more time at work!) And, do you know what? The great job will still be there when you are in your 40's and 50's. If you want it enough and have the humility to start from scratch every now and then. And this applies to women as much as men. Don't get in the "I'll get left behind" trap. You're only fooling yourself.
Set goals for the kind of parent you'd like to be and work out what you have to do to be that in the eyes and heart of your children. (And remember to do some customer research every now and then to assess satisfaction. You may find that they want something else from Dad other than the latest Playstation or Mobile telephone.)
Wombat
(April 2006) (
