What would YOU do?

Years ago I was in the middle of a training course for foster carers when one of our trainers came up with an interesting issue:
She put to us the scenario that we were to attend a football match with a couple

'What would you do?' She asked us. There were a variety of responses. "Make them" "Dont let them come if they dont bring a jacket" "Take a jacket for them" and so on.

Whose problem is it?

Finally, after listening to our responses (which basically stated the jacket must come or the kid does not - except for one lady who laughed and said 'who cares let them be cold' ) the trainer asked us whose problem it was?

Into the confused silence she asked again- "who will get cold? - who will suffer if the weather turns nasty?" Establishing that it was the child she suggested that the problem was the childs and we should empower that individual by allowing them ownership of this.

'All that needs to be done' she gently explained, 'is remind the child that it may get cold and suggest they might like to take a jacket, explain it can be left in the car if that is reasonable'. From that point it is no longer your problem.

( obviously this attitude must be adjusted to suit the age of the child!)

 If the child is allowed to make their own decision and they leave the jacket- and get cold and miserable they will be more likely to take one next time (so long as you refrain from 'i told you so' comments.

Rescuing - what does it teach; is it worth it?

I will admit this was a bit of a revelation to me. At the time I had one 4 year old daughter.  I had been brought up with a very loving caring mother who manifested this partly by making sure i was never out and about without a jacket or often a complete change of clothes/ shoes, extra food, drinks ...etc etc etc. Outings were weighed down with everything imaginable and I often walked around carrying unnecessary unwanted clothing etc. Certainly there were times when I was very glad of these things but I certainly didnt get the choice to say no. Other times poor old mum would carry clothing for me and my Dad (if we had refused) and would act like a martyr about it - then be triumphant and 'i told you so' if we did need the item.

Im glad that I did attend that workshop as it has changed my parenting style without a doubt.

At the moment our children are aged 13, 8 and 6. I would remind them all to take a jacket before we left home. I would however make sure there was a jacket in the car for the 6 year old but if we are out and about and he refuses to carry it- i wont. If its very cold and I figure he might get ill (and/or whinge and whine about being cold ; lol)  id probably insist on him wearing it. The 8 year old- Id remind him before we left home and the car and thats it. (no whining if he gets cold after that *grin*) The 13 year old - well its up to her - id ask her before we left home if she wanted to take one- in case she had forgotten.

The kids choose their own clothes in the morning- they ask about the weather, check the forecast and go outside to 'see what its like" If they choose shorts and its cold then thats their decision.

No its not always easy - occasionally we end up with whining kids- but only rarely; they usually are comfortable with their decision. It can be hard not to "rescue" (carrying that jacket- or everyones jacket) but if a decision has been made not to take one and then you take it for them you are not helping in the long term. (this doesn't count with Tinies)

 Recently I was finally rewarded for those  years of biting my tongue when my young teenager commented that "other' mums 'drove their kids crazy' by insisting on changing clothes (to be warm/or not to hot etc) or making them carry an unwanted jacket or wear different shoes and commenting on choices (you must be too hot/cold/uncomfortable 'i told you so' etc)

Hair today- let it go tomorrow

Hair is another contentious issue. Mothers argue and refuse and insist on haircuts. Their long haired girls cant have the short bob they crave- their boys must have short back and sides- not the surfer look they'd like (as common examples- not generalisation ;-)).

A friend furious and frustrated told me about an ongoing argument because her daughter wanted her hair tied back all the time. Curious I asked why this was a problem. "Because her hair will break". The obvious question is "And who's problem is that!".

By all means explain your reasons and reservations but try and allow the child ownership of their individuality- or at least negotiate some compromise.
("I have heard that hair will break if its always tied back - and I know you love long hair - how about we ask the hair dresser for advice? Maybe you could wear your hair out for part of the day")

You are responsible to make sure their hair is clean and not sticking in their eyes and that it is free of lice, dandruff and other problems but from there - allow them to have input and listen to their thoughts and feelings. (Yes you may have regretted to this day cutting off your long hair when you were 10 but that was your decision and now it is time for your daughter to make hers)

Growing to independence

Growing up is a gradual process towards independance. By allowing your children to make 'safe' decisions about hair and clothing you are encouraging independence, responsible decision making, a sense of autonomy and also tend to reduce rebellion. On the other hand- insisting on making all the decisions, overriding choices and 'rescuing' fosters dependency and ultimately resentment and rebellion.

Letting go

Take a step back and ask "Is this my problem?" or "Is this my decision?".

Let children make choices. Guide them , provide the necessary information (the weather forecast is for rain - I'm taking a jacket), explain the likely consequences and then allow them the right to choose. By all means modify to suit age (and the time you will be away from home *smile* - if its a long trip I make sure there is drinks and jackets in the car boot) and ensure that your child is safe and their health is not compromised. (wear thongs in public showers and think twice before allowing bare feet in public parks/sand-pits) but do take the time to consider the situation before it becomes an argument and ask yourself if its time to 'let go' a little..........