my childhood story

Don't ever say you have rambled on. Just writing that story took guts and you have helped more people than you will ever know. You sould like one hell of a strong persons and a fantastic mum who will teach her children all the right values for life. Well done.

Kath

he's sick. feel free to msg me anytime if you ever need someone to talk to

i'm shocked to think that i wasn't just the only poor little girl to have been touched i've never spoken to anyone about it because i too was told that i had asked for it and that was how you show that you love someone my life has been something that i would never wish on my worst enemy i've been raped bashed and starved by people that a child should be safe and happy with i now have a five and a half month old baby girl and she fills me with this powerfully strong feeling of love and happyness that i never found anywhere else not even from my partner of six years she helps me handle my memories she is so real its not funny  

Hi everyoneI have just read a members story about her experience with sexual abuse so thought I might as well share my experience also. (thought it would be a hot topic.) When I was growing up I had 2 big brothers, one, my eldest I admired and he always had time for me and used to play games with me. He is 9 years older than myself and I can remember when he left home against my parent's wishes aged 18 how devastated I felt. When our mum spent hours putting him down I used to feel it was my fault and maybe if she thought he was so bad then I was bad too? My other brother was 7 years older than me and I never felt comfortable around him. Looking back and remembering it was because he always used to blackmail me into getting in his bed with him. This happened from as young as 3 yrs of age. I remember mum having to take me to get my big toe put back into place as he had pulled it out of joint when I didn't want to lay beside him and let him rub his penis against me. I didn't know what he was doing but it didn't feel right for some reason and when he kept telling me never to tell as no-one would believe me coz everyone knew I was just a little liar I believed him and just shut my mouth. what really used to annoy me was overhearing my mum talk to my brother about me and ask his advice on what she should do in the way of discoplining me. I remember thinking why would she talk to him about me and how come he could talk to her but I couldn't coz no-one would believe me? I grew up believing I was a bad person and that I couldn't live up to my parent's, teachers or anyones expectations, a failure I guess. My brother in question was often asked my mum to take me with him, get me out of the house for a while. He used to take me rabbit shooting and while we were out in  the farmers paddocks he would coax me into a ditch and abuse me. He was weird in the sense that when he shot a rabbit and it ran around screaming he would have this sick looking smile on his face. The abuse only stopped when I was 12yrs old and started to get my period, about the same time my brother got a girlfreind so finally I was free of him. My parents never told me about "the facts of life", mum talked a little about periods and all the trouble she had with them but it was the lady around the road that told me a little about sex. she had 2 young boys and I used to visit her and play with the boys to give her some "time out". She had some urn type things on her mantle and I asked about them, she told me they were the ashes of the little girls she had lost. (she had had several miscarriages). She asked me where do babies come from.........I said I thought you prayed to god and he gave you one.

My brother was asked to take me along to a church youth group to give me another interest. For a couple of years I went to different youth groups at several different churches but always ended feeling like I didn't belong and that I was this bad sinner who was going to go to hell. Around 11  and 12 years of age I was a very shy child and didn't seem to have any self esteem, I hardly gave my opinion at school or in any social setting as I thought I was stupid and people would just end  up laughing at me and putting me down. It wasn't just my brother who abused me either. My cousin used to have me sit on his knee and listen to music while he touched me. I hated being made to go on holiday at my Auntie's. My parents used to send me to a neighbor's house to help him with his chooks, cleaning thier chook shed out etc. He was old and a widower. After we did things with the chooks he would get me inside for a lemonade and have me sit on his knee too. He always wanted me to lay down in his room and have a little rest beside him........I don't remember how I got out of that? I had a freind for a while, she was my neighbor's grandchild. Her family had immigrated from England and were staying next door for a while until they got a house of thier own. When they did she would invite me around sometimes to play dolls etc. Her dad always found a way to join in and always ended up playing wrestling with us. He would often end up laying on top of me and talking to me about my future boyfreind and what he would want me to do for him. I stopped going to my freind's place after a while and heard that her mum and dad split up as he was found out  playing with young girls. I felt guilty......................now my freind didn't have a dad.

During my teenage years I was never popular, no-one ever seemed to want to be my freind. I always wore my cousins out of date hand me downs which didn't help as children would tease me. My parents tried to give me opportunities like girl guides, tennis, netball, music lessons. I just never felt good enough and I wasn't competative, if I missed a catch at netball and team mates bagged me out i would just take it to heart and know that I was no good. When I started dating my mum would warn me if I ever came home with a bastard child she would kill it! Dad said it is so sad , you are just a child but capable of having a child. I still remained quite uninformed on sexual matters. But I did find that for a while guys accepted me if I gave them what they wanted.......

I left home at 16yrs, I didn't do well at Highschool infact the only subjects I ended up doing were clothing and English. the other classes I would just sit and read a novel of some kind, my teachers suggested this as long as I didn't disturb the class and just did the tests for the particular class they left me alone. When i got caught for underage drinking and shoplifting I decided that I would agree to go home to my parents custody and as soon as the case was heard and over i left for the city. After 6 months I met my husband  to be. He was sweet at the start, he called me "Honey" but it wasn't long before he was putting me down sexually and telling me I was a useless girlfriend etc, forcing me to have sex with him when I had thrush etc. I tried to leave several times but he always got me back and things would be ok for a little while. Once we had children I felt I could never leave him as, like he said I wouldn't cope alone, no-one would ever want me with someone elses children and I wasn't a good mother or wife anyway. I did finally leave though and the kids and I stayed in a women's shelter for 7 weeks. Talking with the counsellors there it wasn't long before I was asked "were you sexually abused as a child"? Eeeeeeeeeek how did they know? Should I admit it? It wasn't actually penetration so It wasn't really sexual abuse was it? Well I did talk and I did find out a lot about sexual abuse and the damage it does etc. I guess from that point on I started to educate myself about a whole range of things in life..............but that is another big story.

I think the thing that helps us all in life with anything is knowledge................I decided that I would talk and listen to my children, no matter how queezy some subjects made me feel. I talked to my children about sexual abuse, drugs, domestic violence, where babies come from, all those once taboo subjects. i told them I was abused and I didn't want them to keep quiet about anything they needed to talk about or ask about. I sometimes wonder if I have told them too much? But then looking at my daughter in particular and seeing how confident she is and informed, she had the self esteem at 15yrs that I didn't develop until maybe 39yrs. Being able to communicate openly has to be better.

I spoke to an aquaintance resently who is on anti-depressants, being a bit tipsy at the time she told me she knows why and part of it is her grandad's abuse of her when she was 6yrs. I asked her has she talked with anyone about it? She replied "NO I don't want them to take my kids away from me",     Our society still has a way to go don't you think????