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My son was visiting at his friend's house and his friends parents attending a wedding during the day (12pm - 3pm), so they left a 15 & 13 y.o home, one would think "no Problem", what can they get up to? Computer is passworded, mature kids, whats a couple of hours? Well, the older child had figured out Dad's password, so they thougth it would be cool to look up some porn. We are not talking soft porn either, it was 3 women, 1 man, no holes barred, girl on girl porn. To top it off he recorded it on his mobile phone and showed it to some mates along with his 10 year old brother!!!!! Needless to say, his phone has been confiscated and he is banned from the internet for 2 months (should be life!!!) Anyhow, I'm not sure on the best way to discuss with him or for that matter, his younger brother. This sort of graphical porn was simply not around when we were young, maybe your brother might find a Penthouseor Playboy mag. but those pictures weren't moving!!
I was shocked when I found out my son went online looking for pornography. He was only 12 or 13 at the time--and I thought he was still pretty naive and innocent when it came to sexual tempation.
I was wrong.
I learned a lot while helping him face the temptation and walking with him as he made right choices--and then made wrong choices and then made right choices again.
1. All boys will face the lure of pornography at some time in their lives
They may go looking for it themselves. Or a friend may introduce them to it. Or they may stumble across it thrown away in a trash can or by typing the wrong address into an internet search. So don't be surprised when it happens to your son. I was embarrassed and figured none of my friends' sons ever looked at pornography, so I didn't talk to them about it. I was wrong--all boys will face the tempation.
2. Decide what your family's standards are long before something happens
I'm not going to tell you what your standards should be, but here are a few of my family's personal standards. We had always insisted on modesty in the home and treating each other with respect. We also taught our children the importance of confessing sins--or mistakes or whatever you want to call it--and then showed forgiveness to them. These established standards helped us hold our son accountable for his choices. I also told my son that the women in those photographs were someone's daughter or sister or mother or wife--and that he had no right to "treat" them that way.
3. Be committed to the long haul
I have never seen someone have an interest in pornography just one time. My son had good days and bad days. He had months where he resisted temptation and then he let his guard down. My husband and I noticed things that signaled that Josh was struggling: he withdrew from the family, was short with his sisters, and was irritable.
4. Choices and Consequences
Remind your son that the choices he makes now will affect who he is in the future. Pornography damages relationships because it encourages boys or men to treat women as sexual objects and not people. Pornography damages marriages and families because it promotes sexual selfishness.
4. Ultimately, it is going to be your son's choice--but give him every chance to make the right choice--and love him when he doesn't.
I am thankful my husband and I were in this together. He took the lead here because I learned I wasn't the best person to confront Josh or check up on him. I realize if you are a single mom, you may have to deal with this yourself--or ask a trusted male friend to help. I am thankful my son made the right choices more and more and mastered the struggle. He will always have to keep his guard up--but he is not addicted to pornography.
I wrote an article about our experience that you can find at http://www.navpress.com/EPubs/DisplayArticle/1/1.145.9.html. ( At the editor's suggestion, it is written under a pen name to protect my son's privacy.)
(November 2006) (
