You started it--so when your wife finally reports to you that she's pregnant, then it's time to start getting involved.

Pregnancy is daunting for men, I know, I am one.  It's hard to get involved in something that is taking place behind closed doors inside another person's body. 

It's easier to think about work, paying bills, maybe we need a bigger car, what sort of pram should we buy?  These are important decisions, but the baby and its mother are more important than all those things!

I remember the first meetings with the doctor which my wfie dragged me along to.  She prompted me beforehand: "What sort of questions have you got?  What are you concerned about?"  I said, I didn't have any.  That I would just ask anything that came to mind when we talked to her.  Unfortunately, no questions came to mind and my wife was disappointed afterwards that I hadn't shown any interest.  It wasn't that I didn't have any questions, it's just that I was, on reflection, too shy and uncertain.  I didn't know what to ask.  I hadn't read anything or spoken to anyone about what it means for my wife and for me.  My wife was upset, angry that I hadn't shown any interest.  In a hormonal storm, she cried for an hour.  I thought she was being unreasonable and could not believe how suddenly all my actions during the preceeding week had indicated to her that it was her project, her baby and her problem!!

By our second doctor's appointment, I had wisened up a bit.  I had agreed to participate in some training relating to the birth, you know how to breathe properly, how to give massage, what happens when you give birth stuff.  I was beginning to get involved.  I still hadn't read anything or endeavoured to get into the head of a first-time mum.

It took me ages to realise that my wife was going through the most amazing transformation. That the least I could do was talk to her about how she was feeling, what she was worried about, etc. I think the thing that worried her the most though, was whether I was really, sincerely interested in the child. Strangely whether I would abandon her or not. Must be part of the hormones. I ended up singing to her stomach--there are those that believe kids can hear it and learn music in the woom. Putting my hands on her big tummy for hours while we watched telly so i could feel our baby moving and share that strange sensation of having a living thing inside you. I realised that my wife wanted to talk lots of things through, try different ideas in her head, try to put words on the new and amazing experiences. I don't think I was as good at it as would like, but I think by the end of the first pregnancy I was better at listening and showing involvement and interest. Pregnancy can push couples apart. The wife becomming more and more focussed on her experiences and the husband drifting off into his own space. My advice is to try and keep as close as possible together and share things during the pregnancy because immediately after the birth, you are going to have to work together really closely. And for blokes it really does help going to classes, even if you don't really enjoy them. Just go along and you may find out that either come to like them and learn something about what you've got yourself into, but also during and after the birth, you'll what to expect and what your wife is going through. So get involved early, even if you are very unsure about how. Ask questions about how she's feeling, listen to her concerns, show her that you are committed and thinking about what having a baby will mean for you as a famiily. Wombat