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As a parent solutions to our children’s' problems can often seem obvious to us and the desire to fix everything that comes their way for them is natural, especially when the solutions can seem so obvious to us as adults. I've yet to talk to a parent, however, that
doesn't want to foster a deeply rooted sense of independence in their child from the very start and the first step to that is helping them problem solve on their own without throwing our solutions out there.
Using a recent scenario with my five-year-old daughter as an example I'd like to offer a few suggestions to guide you through what parent-aided personal problem solving might look like.
The Scenario - My daughter often gets distracted first thing in the morning when we walk into her kindergarten class. The classroom is busy and instead of staying on task she can often times be found stopping to observe from afar what the other children are doing, when if she could stay on task she could get her coat hung up her name-tag on and get over there and join them instead.
Coming Up With a Resolution -
1. Discuss the problem - if your child doesn't bring the problem up try mentioning what you've seen happening. Don't pry, just comment. What I said for the scenario above: "I noticed it's easy to get distracted in the morning when we get to school. Does that bother you?" Let your child respond, if he or she doesn't see a problem with what's happening try pointing out some of the ramifications that they may not be aware of. For my daughter I might have said something like "Boy, it'd be nice to have more time to play with the other kids before class started. It takes so long to get your coat hung up though; do you think you'd have more time if we could figure out how to keep you from being distracted?"
2. Listen to what they're saying. There may be more to the problem than even you are seeing, or your child may have an entirely different take on what is going on. Listen carefully, let them finish before responding and be open. Hearing exactly what is in your child's mind will help you help him or her bring out the best solutions.
3. Be straight forward, just ask for the solution. Once my daughter told me exactly how she felt about the distraction I simply said "How do you think we could help you stay on task?"
4. Don't judge their solution - No matter how silly their idea for the solution sounds do not shoot it down, doing so will only teach them not to share their ideas in the future and could damage their self esteem. If something isn’t possible you can point out any hurdles that the idea presents, but be sure to praise the good in the idea as well. My daughter's initial solution to her distraction was to "not look at them" (the other children). I responded positively by saying "That would help you focus if you only watched what you were doing wouldn't it?! It might be tough, but it's a great idea to try."
5. Offer accountability - Always offer to keep your child accountable. A simple "Would you like me to remind you about that?" is fine.
6. Plan for the next step - Make sure they leave the conversation knowing what will happen next. After offering to remind my daughter about her plan to not look at the other kids until her things were taken care of in the morning I said "And we can talk about this tomorrow after school, and decide how your plan worked. Sound good?"
7. Follow through, if you've promised accountability deliver it, make sure you discuss their progress regularly as you laid out and when the issue is indeed solved offer tons of praise.
(November 2006) (
