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ADVICE RATING

4.45 (Worth a try) from 13 votes (454 Visits)

Giving Options

by exquisite-flower

(November 2006) (rank 9th)

My Dad keeps teasing me because I give E options often. To me it is the difference between always saying "No!" to her and always telling her what to do, wear etc and giving her total freedom where all routine goes to pot! However, I got conscious about

it and realised that there were times when it was the wrong thing to do.

Since Dad pointed this out I have tried to be aware of my wording so that it is not "Do you want to put your shoes and socks on so we can go out now." But "Put on your shoes and socks - it is time to go now" She duly goes, gets her shoes and socks and proceeds to start doing this and I come and help her after i have put mine on. But if I give her the choice she is as likely to say "No and continue with what she is doing." So to constructively overcome this I word it differently, taking the question away, while still not making it an order. Also she feels like she is doing it because she chose to.

Another one I am trying to curb is "Are you ready for (insert appropriate meal) now?" or even worse the one which goes "Would you like to go to the toilet before (insert appropriate meal)?" Why did I ever think that asking her if she wanted to go to the loo would work? Of course she doesnt WANT to go - no matter how desperate she is! There are far too may other exciting things to do, people to see, things to help me with, etc.

By changing the wording to "pop off to the toilet love, lunch is about to be served" She goes, and by the time she gets back I have served the food and everything dovetails nicely. No more leaving table in the middle of the meal etc. Well, we dont have a table - which just makes table manners all the more important to me to instill, so that when we are at a table she knows how to behave.

It is a work in progress. There are still far too many times that I word it wrong, but it is etting better and we are happier together as a result. Vital when it is 24/7 with each other and never a break.

Does anyone else 'suffer' this problem that I do? How do you deal with it?

Peace
EF.x

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ADVICE RATING

4.45 (Worth a try) from 13 votes

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	October 1st \| mdsheehan

Re: Giving Options

Than you for that advice. We get so caught up in every day life that we tend to forget that our childfren are people too. Maybe if I try to talk nicely to my boys they will talk ncely to me and to each other. I guess that old saying "treat others the way you want to be treated" is one worth keeping in mind all the time.

Thank you

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| kseers

Good advice

Isn't it interesting how just changing some wording can change the whole tone of the sentence? It's all about authority I guess and just changing what you say can change who is in control - interesting.....

I have started giving my son options on some things - eg clothes - which of these do you want to wear today and which of these pants should i buy you. His dad likes this as he never had those options.

However I think I am too soft on him and let him dictate things I should probably decide - like you say above. A friend of mine said to me once that those of us with softer, more submissive personalities often find that the hardest part of parenting - particularly if we have a strong willed child as I do!

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| December 2006 \| lexiw

I do this

I ask the kids all the time if they want to do things like that Zack might actually start to go to the potty more often if I try to not ask him. Thank you.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| November 2006 \| Chrysalis

Good work!

Sounds like you are doing really well! If you do want to give an option you can say something like
"so do want to wear your blue socks or your green socks to the park? You choose and pop them on with your shoes then we can go!"

Lol- it is tricky - I used to be very bad for with comments like you described. I did the PPP (positive parenting course) and learned some fabulous positive communication techniques with children.

I STILL slip up and sometimes say "Do you want to get ready for bed now, PLEASE" to my brood- but they are used to me and know it is actually not a negotiable thing- esp as i have added the please (with subtle emphasis). However I try and remember to say "Ok time to get pj's on (and add a positive reason) so we can have a bed time story."

I do remember the first time the middle child called me on it. Id 'asked' if they wanted to do something probably "do you want to pick your toys up please". Naturally no one even replied. When I got a bit impatient he looked at he and trilled "but you just asked if we wanted to!?" (no he wasnt being smart)
DD (5 years older than him) burst out laughing and told him "you duffer Mum doesnt mean you have a choice- she means DO IT!!!!!!!!"
He looked surprised and went "oh!?"

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| November 2006 \| exquisite-flower

Good work!

E and i do have that understanding which is a great treat when we are out and about. I know what you mean about him calling you on it. E did that to me one time at Muma nd dads. it was after dad spoke to me about it, but it made me appreciate all the more how important it is to word things correctly. She cannot read my mind or my intentions.
Peace
EF.x

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| November 2006 \| Jessgore

Word Play

I must say it is amazing how when you word something different how it works.... I know for example wiht my husband when I say `Do you want to give Francis a bath tonight and he says no... What I should have said is.... Give Francis a bath tonight... :) He points this out when he says no to a question I have just asked... He says you should not have given me the choice... :)

But getting back to children, at the day care yes I have found giving them an option when you want, or need them to do something does not work.. But if you word what you want in a way so that they either believe that you are asking them so nicely if they could do something for you (well with the bunch of kids I work with anyway), they are more then happy to do something that will make you proud of them.. As you say, pop off to the toilet and I`ll get dinner on the table.... Works wonders for us.... Because asking them if they wanted to go just never worked....

Please excuse the lack of, question marks and likes, French key board and I don`t know how to make it english.... (I am not at home)

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	4.00 (Good) \| November 2006 \| Chrysalis

French Keyboard?

ok im curious ;-) Where are you and what does a French keyboard look like!
You did a lovely job with your exotic keyboard anyway x

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	4.00 (Good) \| November 2006 \| Jessgore

French Keyboard?

The letters are not placed in the same place as an english keyboard, and there are lots of little accents and such, so sometimes when you press the shift button to get a capital letter or a question mark for example you actually get another letter...

But I am at home now so yeah I have question marks again along with every thing I need to keep on miniting... Oh I could have reformatted her keyboard to type the way a normal english one would type, but one I did not know how to do it.. LOL and two if I forgot to put it back to French I did not think that would be very nice.. :)

Thank you for saying I did a lovely job.. I forgot how hard it was to type with two fingers.. I felt like I was learning to type all over again... :)

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| November 2006 \| wildrose

playing with words

It is good to play wording with kids. Instead of we giving orders all the time, give them chance to think and do what best for them, also building them self esteem and responsibilty. At least that what I thought.

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	4.00 (Good) \| November 2006 \| ssedgar

good advice

i know there have been times when i have asked Zac 3 if he wanted to go to the toilet before bed, he says no of coarse then either gets up at 3am to get me to take him to the toilet or wets the bed. No i have got him into the routine of going before bed, he goies to the toilet then chooses a story to read.

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Related keywords: constructively, manners, options, questions, wording


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Giving Options

Related keywords: constructively, manners, options, questions, wording