My eldest daughter is about to start high school and I know how bad I was I don,t know how to make her understand that certain things are just not right to do. She is very inteligent I know she can do well but she seems to think friends are more important than an education and i just want to help her find a balance between the two. If any one has any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated as this is completely new territory for me.
Well now having had severall kids going through that stage, here is my advice.
We can all think back to our childhood, all the "bad" things that we did behind our parents back, and assume that what we did is what is going to happen with our kids, think back when you did things behind your parents back or did things at school and didn't discuss them with your parents was it because you knew that they would not approve, because they had pushed it down your throath don't do this don't do that, so to defy and because you where even more curious you did it anyway, don't even try to push the point that school is for learning and not for making friendship, it won't work, you become her friend first as well as her friends friend, then you will be able to communicate.
- Friends and friendship are important
It is here at this level in your teens, that you develop your most important friendships, the friendships that last through thick and thin, if your child doesn't develop good friendships now, she will regret it in the future, those of my kids that developed a lot of good friendships at this stage live a much happier life, they are much happier than those that where more reserved, and speaking from my own personal experience, I migrated with my family from Gremany and was 14 years old at the time, I could not speak a word of english and went into the workforce shortly after we arrived, therefore I never made any early childhood connections in Australia, and I know what it feels like not to have a good circle of friends at that age, let her develop lots of friendships, good and bad, she needs friends that she can discuss her problems with and her trials and tribulations, and she will include you in that circle if you become her friend as iI said above.
- Don't push the education part too much
I know you said she is smart, as all as parents think our kids are, but all children will find their own learning pace, having it pushed down their throath that education is the be all and end all of life, will in most instances not do anything to make them want to learn more, however thinking of some long term reward scheme can work very well, maybe that new bike, Cd player, Mobile phone or whatever can be offered for a reward if she gets good grades this semester, but remember if you offer it make sure you can afford it and give it when it's due, because if she works hard for it and doesn't get the reward, then it could well have the opposite effect.
Are you educated enough to help her, it's all very well to tell your child that she should learn, however children learn by example, there will be times when she needs help with her studies, do you know enough to help her? If not go out find out what she ius going to be studying, read through some of the books and study material and if ou can't understand it get a refrsher course or spend time learning for free on the internet, because learning is more fun for your child if she can get help anmd knows that you understand, if you are not that well educated and would not be able to help her now is the time for you to learn.
- Don't use your bad education, or hard working life as an example
All to often parents try to persuade their children to learn more because they had to go out to work at an early age such as 14 or 15 and then had to work their way up from the ground, or they never got to the stage where they ended up with their own businss or a great job that they would have liked, the past is history the future is now, most children adore their parents they don't care that you are a cleaner, professor or whatever, don't belittle your own position in life you could be removing your own authority and trust that your children have in you, if you are not happy with yourself or your own life then they will use it against you sooner or later, don't use words such as look at where I have ended up because i didn't or did study.
Be positive point out the positives of studying, point out the opportunities that come with degrees and getting educated in positive ways, you can do this without pushing the child, there are indirect ways such as refering to people she knows, without actually saying you should do what he or she is doing, say things like john is doing well, seems like he made the right decision went he went to uni, or that aprenticeship that margaret did is got her a good job, don't put those people on a pedestal just mention these things in passing, so she can get a mindset of what can happen if you study.
- Use praise and offer help
All to often parents focus on the bad results, and merely glance over good results, praise your child on just one item a day, children revel in being the center of attention, find something small anything every day and praise her, ask to look at her home work, praise her for her effort, and that way you get to know what she iss doing and if there is something wrong with her homework still praise the effort and then help her fix it, again if you find homework where she hasn't written enough the better way to get her to do more would be to say " That's good but it seems that there could be more to this subject, how about adding this" quote something, or do you want me to help you find some more information on the interenet.
Start discussing what she would like to do after she leaves high school, go to uni whatever, she is probably to young to stick to one decision, but if she has a definitr goal that she mentions, then slowly start stering her towards the education and subjects she will need to be good at, discuss it with her and find out what she needs to learn, maybe you can spark interest if she really want's to do something by letting her know that she has to do well in particular subjects and because she wants to do it badly she will apply herself, however remember one thing she is young, she is likely to change her mind two or three times in the next few years, however each time do the same find out what she needs to learn.
- Pamper some of her other ideas wants and needs
Most parents have a firm idea of what they consider a real job or career, due to that they have a blindfold on the many other opportunities that there is, the real jobs that are considered loafers jobs or no jobs at all the singers, the musicians, the actors ,the poets, the writers, the models the sports people, adored and revered by millions, however when it comes to their children they are considered pie in the sky and unattainable jobs, let her explore these avenues as well, support her if she wants to try acting school or write or whatever, if she wants to sing or learn an instrument after all where did the successfull people come from? children with ideas mosly, yours and mine, and as with career paths above, she will probably change her mind with that some time too, did you stick to everything you started as aa youngster, I didn't and most people I know didn't, but sooner or later we all find our niche, if we don't try it we will will never know help her.
The old saying you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink! remember it
Not every child want's to sit in a classroom and learn, some only learn by hands on experience and even though they where never any good at school, they turn out to be brilliant after they leave that environment, yes you say your child is smart, but smart can be used in many different ways, and sometimes no matter what, your smart child will not bloom until they are out of school, be patient she may be one of them and again I speak from personal experience here my worst child at school, the one that was so bad I had to pull him out of school at 14, is now doing better has completed an apprenticeship, and working steadily in hi choosen vocation, whereas the one that studied until she was 23 is now working as a waitress, as she decided she didn't like what she studied for all these years, but she's happy too now.
(November 2006) (
