To Reward or Not to Reward: The Million Dollar Question

Stars and charts are all the rage in child-raising world--and for good reason.  Kids (and grownups) love being recognized for what they do.  Better still, rewards let us know we're on the right track and complying with the powers that be.  As a self-confessed gold star junkie, I am a big sucker for any system where my efforts get proper recognition--Minti being a prime example!

Without a doubt rewards help move us along, but what happens when we face a life challenge where there is no star large enough to call out the work required?  How do we help our kids tap into their own sense of internal motivation?  What do we need to do to help our kids see themselves as capable to lead as well as to follow?

I decided to take a modified approach to rewards early on in my parenting career in order to address this very concern.   I use rewards mostly as a last resort--when a new habit needs to be formed by sheer repetition or when it's clear my kids are completely unaware of a troubling trend in  behavior.  Rewards are very small and short-lived--transition tools to get us back on track.  I know this is a controversial (maybe even unpopular) opinion, but I think it's worth the extra effort to think about why we parent the way we do as much as the more practical "what works right now" methods.

Here are four arguments for going easy on rewards--especially when it comes to grades, learning and trying new things.  I welcome active disagreement, discussion, honest approval or dissent in the comments below.

• Rewards can set you up for constant negotiation.  Not a problem in every household, but if you're living with next Attorney General, you know what I mean.  Suddenly everything that is not on the chart becomes a matter of discussion.  When your kids start asking "What do I get for doing this?" it's proof positive that rewards are becoming counterproductive. 
  
• Rewards can turn your kids into approval monsters.  How many adults do you know who are still trying to outrun the shadow of mom or dad's approval and/or disappointment?  Some kids are so naturally wired to be pleasing, that the quest for approval can easily overtake any other natural drive to discover, create or experiment.  The very kids who take to rewards systems the quickest might just be the ones who need more space to find their way without the added weight of parental influence via gold stars.
  
• Rewards can diminish the personal satisfaction factor.  I know I need to take a step back when my kids are disconnecting from the joy of an activity because they are so focused on what they're going to get when it's over.  I want my kids to connect to their own personal sense of joy, and they have a harder time doing that when the incentives loom larger than the opportunity itself.
• Rewards can teach kids to do the right things for the wrong reasons.   You can read the book to get a dollar, or you can read a book to go on a great adventure that continues in your dreams after mom calls "Lights off!"    I want my kids to experience the intrinsic rewards that come from digging into an experience without thought to the outcome.  Sometimes the only way to really understand what something means to you is to have the chance to explore in an open-ended way.  Rewards can cut discovery short in ways that diminish curiousity the next time around.
  
• Rewards can prematurely tame the next fearless leader of the free world.   No matter how you add it up, rewards are often about getting kids tuned into adult agendas and expectations.  Not always the worst case scenario, but what about that kid who needs to push the boundaries, go one more block, read one more book--just to see what happens next.  Rewards put an artificial limit on positive possibilities--not exactly the tact you want to take with a child who is hard-wired to reach for the stars and who would shine with or without rewards to show the way.

What do you think about rewards?  Honest discussion welcome in the comments below.