Think of the child/ren

I get so mad when I see parents split up and take their frustrations out by using the children as pawns. You know what I mean. Things like, "if you don't do I want I won't let you see the kids" etc. Grrrrr....! Is that really fair on the children? No, it most certainly is not!

You have a relationship with someone, you have kids, the relationship breaks down. OK, hate each other if you must, be for goodness sakes, think of how the children feel! They still have a right to be a part of both their parents lives. (I understand there are circumstance where it is better to keep kids away from one parent or the other, but I'm talking about cases where neither parent has done wrong by the child/ren and are quite capable of caring for them.) Parents going their seperate ways is hard enough on the child/ren without them being caught in the middle of arguements. Keep your arguements away from the kids. Do not run down the other parent to the kids. You should be thinking about what to say and do to help your child/ren to continue being happy.

My kids father left me with a 4 year old, a 10 month old, and 7 months pregnant. He left for another woman. I was devastated, totally heartbroken. BUT I told him he could see the kids whenever he liked. He chose not to and we had no contact from him for about 5 years. When he did get back in touch, rather than go into some sort of tirade as to why he hadn't bothered for years, I sent him photos of the kids and was polite to him. When he'd ring the kids he and I would chat like old friends. Also over the years I never bad-mouthed him or his new woman in front of the kids. I had called them both some choice words when the kids weren't around, but not when they were within earshot.

This is what I told my children: "Mummy and Daddy decided they didn't love each other anymore. Now Daddy lives with (I won't mention her name). It's OK and Daddy still loves all of you."

That's it. I put it plain and simple and did not lay any blame on anyone.

I know that when a relationship breaks down it is very painful. You want to hate the other person for hurting you; you want the other person to hurt just as much; but not at the expense of the children. They are not the ones to do anything wrong. They should not be made to suffer just through spite. It's not fair on them. Let them know that it is OK that they love both their parents and that both parents still love them. When the children are around, be pleasant toward each other. You can think all the nasty thoughts you like, just don't say them in front of the kids. If there's an issue you need to take up with the ex that may lead to an arguement, make a time to talk when the kids are not around. If necessary, you can get mediation to help work through what you need to do for the kids.

I have seen cases of split parents who end up good friends and have no problems with visitation etc - I applaud those parents. To those who use children as pawns in their childish mind games against each other, shame on you!