10 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Confidence in Your Kids

Sometimes in our efforts to keep our kids cared for and safe, we can lose sight of the adventures of trust and patience required to make our kids feel confident from the inside out.  Here are ten keys to building self-esteem:

• Let the delight shine through. 
  Toni Morrison once said that the only thing your kid really needs to know is that your face lights up when they walk in the room.   Do whatever it takes on the self-care front to get to the point where you can quickly and easily access your happiness about having this little person in your family.
  
• Give them lots of chances to do grown-up things.  Let your toddlers put the oranges in the bag, let your preschoolers pay the check, let your gradeschoolers call to order the pizza.  Knowing that you think they are capable of being responsible gives your kids a huge psychological boost that will carry them far in life.  Resist the urge to correct or criticize--every first step is a learning opportunity.
  
• Be the parent with open arms.   Take every opportunity you're offered to be an affectionate and demonstrative parent.   Make it your family ritual to greet one another every morning with a hug or a kiss.  Older kids won't mind if you scratch their back, tossle their hair or look them straight in the eye with kindness.  Nothing affirms your existence on the planet more than positive, loving touch.
  
• Offer every ounce of trust you have the second you have it.   I believe our kids come to us completely capable of meeting their developmental tasks with dignity and grace.  It's up to us as parents to trust the process and provide loving, positive support.  You can build your child's self-esteem by inviting them to take risks, try new things and make mistakes with your full support.  Knowing that you believe your child can learn and grow in her own unique way, in her own timetable will help your child claim the confidence that is her birthright.
  
• Listen, listen, listen.  Children are small people with important contributions to make to our lives.  You can bolster your child's sense of self by listening to his opinions, taking her thoughts and feelings seriously and paying attention to what she has to say.   So look straight into the tiniest face at your house and see what's up with baby these days.   Kids who know they are being heard grow up to give and receive the same kind of respect from others.
  
• Throw caution to the wind.   I mean it.  If your little guy thinks he can climb to the top of the jungle gym, let him give it his best shot with you by his side.  By refusing to shield your kid from the limitations of his ability, you both get a better sense of what is truly possible.  Often times--in our family--that means I am the one who finds out my kid is much more capable than I thought she was.  By setting fear aside, learning takes off and together we can experience the confidence-building delight of honest accomplishments.
  
• Take objections seriously.  Every once in a while one of my kids will push back hard on a rule I made or remind me that I'm about to break a deal we made earlier.  I could blow them off for the sake of efficiency or authority, but everyone wins when I stop, take in the objection and give it fair hearing.  Sometimes the answer still needs to be "no", but many times my kids are making a point that I really need to hear.  Knowing that I can listen to reason and that their ideas are often powerful enough to alter my own is a great self-esteem booster.
• When you feel like yelling, try laughing instead.  Nothing disheartens my kids more than when I yell at them.  Most times it's much more effective if I can flail on the floor in mock protest and playfully beg for compliance.  My kids hear my desperate need for cooperation without having to wonder what it is about them deep down that merited my anger or frustration.  Playful interactions remind kids that their presence is a source of joy--even when things aren't going as planned. 
  
• Let your kids take the lead.   You can't underestimate what a boost it is to little children when we give them the full range of options suitable to their developmental tasks.  When Madeleine was a toddler, we'd go to Crandon Park near our home in Miami and I'd let her explore to her heart's content.  As a two and three year old, she had a huge need to run and wander, put her hands in sand, feel the water on her toes, chase seagulls.  We literally covered miles of that beach and all I had to do was keep following.   Making time for kid-sized adventures--whether it be a river-walk with your five year old (she hikes, you follow) or a grocery store run (he plans the menu, you push the cart) helps bolster your kids' ability to solve problems, make decisions and discoveries along the way.
  
• Finance your kid's dreams.  This summer Madeleine (age 8) decided she would like to have a lot more money than her piggy-bank could hold.  Since my husband and I both could see signs of a budding entrepeneur in our go-getter girl, we gave her a primer about finance, business and sales.  After much debate, Madeleine decided a glow-stick business was in order.  The details are best left for another article, but by the end of one busy weekend, our little girl made a small killing in glowsticks.  My tiny financial contribution (I agreed to pay shipping if she could cover the rest of her costs) made taking the risk worth it.   The entire experience left my little glowstick girl shining with excitement and confidence.  Be willing to help your kid chase a dream that has her name written all over it.

What did your parents do to encourage your confidence as a child?  What's working in the self-esteem department at your house?