ADVICE RATING |
 4.74 (Highly recommend) from 32 votes (986 Visits) |
|
|
5 Signs that Parenting is Tapping into Your Childhood Pain |
 |
by jenlemen  (November 2006) (rank 10th) |
|
We all have little moments in parenting where we realize there's more to the story than what we're aware of at the moment. This list is designed to equip with you with a kind of non-judgmental radar for potential sticking points in your own adventures as a loving (and sometimes
in-need-of-love) parent. Honest conversation and feedback welcomed in the comments below.
- Your child hits an age or stage that was particularly difficult for you as a child. That confusing experience with your older neighbor down the street never bothered you too much, but the memories are back in full color now that your daughter is the same age you were when the event first happened. It's completely normal to have a difficult time processing our own bits of complicated history until we see our children facing similiar (potential) challenges. Instead of hunkering down into hyper-protective mode, now is the time to revisit your own hard time and find out what kind of parenting would have helped you most. Even one or two insights from this kind of reflection can help you come back to your own parenting tasks with a bit more confidence and less fear. I recently relived a painful summer in my own childhood when my daughter turned eight. Just knowing this was part of my difficulty helped me give her the space to be a regular kid while I shored up my own personal resources.
- You react strongly and/or with great emotion to what others perceive as normal kid behavior. Your kid is fussy, your family members pass a toy nonchalantly, and inside you are a wreck. Make an inventory of those little voices inside your head to see who might be ramping up your anxiety about having an "easy" child. Does family lore have it that you were the most difficult child ever? Do parents of crabby kids get labeled negatively in your family of origin? A little soul searching can help you draw the line between the messages you were given about kids and parenting and the ones you want to carry over to the next generation. Simply being aware of the fear of judgment or a familial bent towards making little black sheep will help you chart your own course.
- Your child's success or failure is of exaggerated importance to you. Are you white-knuckled and in a panic at the kindergarten entrance assessment? Find yourself yelling a little too loud and carry a bit too much over who wins the little league baseball game? When you can identify a heightened sense of intensity around your child's success at sports or school, chances are you might be putting some finishing touches on old dreams from your own childhood. Now's the time to sign up for the adult soccer league and work out your own childhood memories of achievement, approval and high performance. Attention to your own dreams will put the joy back in the game for everyone in your family.
- You're having trouble letting your child choose a different path. I grew up in a family of veritable couch potatoes only to give birth to a child who probably needs to be signed up for every sport known to man. How does this happen? I've had a hard time recognizing this superpower in Madeleine when I always imagined having a quiet, bookwormish artsy kind of kid. My work right now is to acknowledge that Madeleine and I might need other points of connection besides books, art and crafts. She needs as well the freedom to explore all her options for interests while I make up for lost time by pursuing my own unique set of passions and gifts.
- You find yourself looking to your child for guidance, friendship or reassurance. There are times in our parenting careers where being the grownup can be a real drag. Maybe our parents relied on us too much and we learned early on how to be a source of comfort instead of the kid who knows mom or dad's got it covered when times are tough. If setting limits, being unpopular or seeking out the approval of your kids is starting to become a persistent temptation, now is your chance to seek out old and wise mentors who can help you stand up and be the parent your kids need you to be. Missing out on nurture and structure in your own childhood doesn't have to be the end of your story. Even grownups can find ways to get old needs honored and met--a lesson that helps parents and kids alike.
We can examine our past in a way that honors the effort and love behind our own parents' intentions toward us--especially when things were less than perfect. Realizing that our own parents probably did their best with the resources they had at the time can help us examine our own challenges with maturity, dignity and acceptance. Feel free to add your own stories about parenting past and present in the comments below.
I found a lot of this article seemed to be written about me. The advice is great and I will be coming back time and time again. Thank you 
