Diffusing Conflict With A Teen

My eighteen-year-old-daughter, Amy, is a lot like me. We think alike, we process our emotions alike, and we handle conflict alike.

This is not always a good thing.

When it come to arguments we are too much alike. We end up in a stalemate where neither of us

After one argument when we retreated to our neutral corners--Amy to her room and me to my den/office--I struggled to figure out how to fix it. As I fretted and fumed and then, finally took a deep breath and relaxed, one question came to mind:

Is this worth gettting angry about?

And you know what? I realized it wasn't.

Being angry with my daughter required lots of energy. It required that I take a unyielding, "I'm right and you're wrong" stance. Being angry was exhausting and it did not preserve the most important thing: my relationship with my daughter.

When Amy came downstairs later, I caught her sneaking glances at me. I finally went over and hugged her and told her I loved her.

"Aren't you mad at me?" she asked.

"Nope. I'm waiting until I have a really good reason to be mad at you--and this situation isn't worth being angry."

She looked surprised. Then she looked relieved. She gave me a big hug back. Our relationship was restored.

Sure, we still had to talk out our disagreement. Maybe it had something to do with her messy room or her not taking care of her dog or being more responsible. I don't remember because it wasn't all that important.

Now when Amy and I butt heads, we stop and look at each other. One of us then asks, "Are you mad at me?"

Our reply?

"No, it's not worth getting angry about this."

We smile, share a hug, and go on to work out the problem. We just don't waste time getting mad.

(And for the record: Amy read and approved this article. Then she gave me a big hug!)