Sibling rivalry can try the patience of even the most skilled parent. I’ve posted another article on this topic which outlines one specific strategy that can be used to deal with sibling rivalry, but I thought I would share some more tips and strategies.
But first, it might be helpful to consider some of the causes of sibling rivalry? We don't choose the family we are born into (as much as some of us would like to!) and we don’t get to choose our siblings. Siblings must share the one person or the two people they most want for themselves: their parents. There has been a lot of research over the years on sibling conflict. As a result, researchers have discovered that there are some common reasons why children fight, quarrel and tease one another. Some of these include:
· Position in the family. For example, the oldest child may be burdened with responsibilities for the younger children or the younger child spends his life trying to catch up with an older sibling.
· Gender. A boy may hate his sister because his father seems gentler with her. On the other hand, a daughter may wish she could go on a fishing trip with her father and brother.
· Age. A five and an eight year old can play some games together but a three year old and five year old might have difficult due to differences in their developmental skills (e.g., a three year old won’t understand the arbitrary rules established by a five year old).
· Family dynamics. One child may remind a parent of a family member who was particularly difficult, and this may subconsciously influence how the parent treats that child.
· Basic needs are not met. When kids are tired, hungry or bored they may not feel cheerful and cooperative. Kids who are tired, hungry, or bored are not going to feel cheerful and cooperative.
· Need for attention. If children are not getting attention by doing positive things they learn quickly that they will get the attention they want by acting out.
· Need for companionship. Sometimes children need companionship but don't know how to get it from their sibling. When they start a quarrel with that sibling, they easily get their attention. Some children have an easier time than others in getting their brothers or sisters involved in their playtime.
· Power. Part of growing up is learning about personal power. Children naturally experiment to see whether they can get each other to do things. Competition between siblings can sometimes make children feel very insecure and intolerant.
So what can you do?! Here are some tips and strategies:
· Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete. For example, have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other.
· Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play.
· Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
· Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected.
· Be there for each child. Set aside “alone time” for each child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child. When you are alone with each child, ask them once in a while what they like most and least about each brother and sister. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!
· Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.
· Involve your children in setting ground rules. Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles. Here are some
· Let siblings express their feelings. Acknowledge the angry or frustrated feelings. Let your child know that you understand this anger because it can help your child feel better and possibly treat the sibling better.
· Don't compare siblings with each other. Comparing siblings does not encourage better behavior; it intensifies jealousy and envy.
· Research shows that while you should pay attention to your kids’ conflicts (so that no one gets hurt, and you notice abuse if it occurs), it’s best not to intervene. When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one). This escalates the conflict, because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that they can get away with more since the parent is “on their side.”
· Help your kids develop the skills to work out their conflicts on their own. Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. Give them the tools, and then express your confidence that they can work it out, by telling them, “I’m sure you two can figure out a solution.” Don’t get drawn in.
· Don’t yell or lecture. It won’t help.
· It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold children equally responsible when ground rules get broken.
· In a conflict, give your kids a chance to express their feelings about each other. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Help your kids find words for their feelings. Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.
· Give your kids reminders. When they start picking on each other, help them remember how to state their feelings to each other. Don’t solve the problem for them, just help them remember how to problem solve.
I know this was a wordy article, but thanks for hanging in there with me! I hope that you will find some of these tips, strategies and insights helpful.
(November 2006) (
Things are finally settling down at work and home so hopefully I will have more time to write. I miss my minti time!!!
