Hummm Some Advice Please!!
My husband of 6 years has two children to his ex wife, a boy aged 12 and daughter now 14. However due to the living situation the children were bought up in (their grandmother as biological mother was mentally unstable) the children were poisoned
with misconceptions about their natural father. However two nights ago his now 14 year old daughter has discovered old solicitor letters belonging to her grandmother where her natural father tried to initiate contact on more than several occasions. Hence has discovered that her grandmother and mother have lied about their father (said he didnt want to see them blah blah you know how it goes!)
We knew this day would come that they would one day soon find out and are ecstatic that his daughter at least wants to see her father. However I feel awkward as its been 11 years since we saw her last and was wanting to know how to break the ice with her conversation wise as Im sure she has questions about her grandmother for us (lying to her all her young life) and I feel she needs to see for herself how her father really is. However his son still does not want contact with his father which is Ok we wont push him too but Im sure he wont be far behind.
What do we say if she says nasty things about her grandmother and mother and what they have made her go through?
We dont want to enter into backstabbing the other parent! (Obviously we have more maturity). Has anybody dealt with estranged children returning? How did you cope, we want to make her feel as welcome as possibly can be but are unprepared for things she may ask. Any advice would be fantastic!!! Do we introduce her to our own children on first visit or do we wait so shes not too bombarded at once? Do we show her our solicitor copies of attempted access through out her life to prove we did try to see her or is in inappropriate for a 14 year old?
HELP!!!
I have personally had this happen to me, and as well have been involved with children that have been in the situation through children that I have fostered.
- You cannot change what the child has been told, the child may or may not be looking for answers from you and will probably be expecting to find an uncaring ogre.
Now that the child has come to see her Dad, I suggest you avoid severall pitfalls these being:
- The need to prove to her that none of this was your fault and that everything was a lie and deceit
Maybe everything that the child has been told is lies, may be it bites at the back of your mind, maybe you feel that now it's your turn to get your own back.
Rule no 1.) DON'T BOTHER TRYING TO GET YOUR OWN BACK
Let the child speak, let her say what she has to say, simply explain to her that sometimes things get out of proportion, that the past is the past and you are
simply glad to have her there at last, at 14 it's not the time to get into the nitty gritty of all the backstabbing lies and deceit.
- The need to prove to her that you are not the ogre that she has been told you are
Rule No 2.) DON'T TRY TOO HARD
Be yourself without pretences, don't change your life around to try and make you look better than what you are, if you are happy with who you are then let
her see the real you, remember if you pretend to be more than what you are, you are lying to her and to yourself and you may have to keep up the pretence
for a long time and sooner or later it will come back on you if you are faking the real you.
- The need to make up with material things for the past
Rule No 3.) Don't start of on the wrong foot with presents
Many absent parents feel they have to make up for all the Birthdays, Xmasses and whatever else they have missed out on by going out splurging and
buying presents for the returning child, if the child just wants contact with dad, then she's not out there to get what she can and in fact would probably feel
uncomfortable with being showered with gifts, further it has the disadvantage, especially if you are financially strapped, that the child may be expecting
such lavish gifts every time she visits, remember you cannot buy love, love is freely given and taken between a child and it's parent.
- Don't be tempted to bag the ex and her grandmother
Rule No 4.) Don't get down to their level
It's tempting to let out all your rage and bag the ex wife and her grandmother, as they have done to you for so many years, and yes I know what that felt like,
however by starting to pick on them all you will be achieving is a little self satisfaction, no matter what the child will have feelings for her mother and her
grand mother and although she may not be happy about what she has read in letters or found out elsewhere don't imagine that those feelings have
disappeared overnight, if she is persistent with her questions, answer them thruthfully and without malice, but as I said above, the preferred answer is
"let's forget about the past , yes there have been untruths told but lets just enjoy each others company, we are just glad you are here"
(November 2006) (
