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A friend asked me a question yesterday and it has inspired me to write this little bit of advice for those venturing into parenthood with someone who already had a child, and for those who are the single parent starting a relationship with someone who does not have
kids. (Thank you for the insperation! You know who you are!)
The question was: How did you feel about the fact that when you had Francis it wasn’t his first child?
It is a bit daunting when you marry someone who already has a child, and the only thing I really worried about at the time we got married was “was I going to be a wicked step mother like in the story books, or was I going to be nice?” And for me I did not speak the same language so it was difficult at first, but as I learnt the language Cam and I became great mates….
Now all that aside the firsts, I missed Camille’s first words, first steps, and all the other little firsts that are made before the age of four, but I got to see other firsts, like first time she rode a bike, the first time on roller blades. They may not seem special, but trust me when they smile back and say look what I can do, there is a proud feeling that washes over you…
There were times when I was jealous of her mother, but I got over that. I was jealous of her mother because I would have loved to have been there from the beginning of Camille’s life but that was out of the question, no point wishing for something one can not change.
The only time I started to really think about the fact that Francis was not my husbands first was when I was pregnant. I had to shut him up a couple of times (nicely though) because sometimes there were things that I got really excited about and he’d be like well yeah I know that happens, or yep that happened with Camille. I said please this is my first let me enjoy the moment…
So if you are the single person entering the relationship here are a few things to remember:
1: To love them is to love their children.
2: Even if you missed out on the first smile, first walk etc, there are lots of other little firsts you can all share together.
3: If it is you who is pregnant, and your partner is saying yes this happen with my first, just ask nicely to “please let me enjoy the moment!”
4: And no matter what a first step is still a first step, a first word is still a first word and you will both enjoy the moment. It is your childs first nothing can take that away them.
5: Let the parent do the parenting and watch because there will come a time when you have to discipline the child/ren, watch the parent and learn... If you don't know don't be afraid to ask them.
And if you are the Single parent.
1: Remember that this is your partners first child, and they will get so excited over things you have already had the pleasure of seeing with your first, let them enjoy the moment as much as you did with yours.. Try not to say, yes this happened with my first child (unless of course they ask.)
2: Baby steps, it is not easy to become a step parent and we have to learn our boundries. If we say something to your child that you don't agree with, please don't correct us infront of the child, take us aside and say, please I would prefer you say this, be understanding to the fact that we had never had to parent before. (So far the hubby has not had to correct me on anything as I stood back and watched him for awhile before I started doing any discipline..
Hope this helps... :)
(November 2006) (
