How to Offer Kids Constructive Guidance Without Punishment

Sometimes I get in these zones with mothering where everything is "no, no, no!"  My kids hate always hearing no,  and I hate always being negative.  I've noticed that most of the time when I get stuck on "no" it's because I don't like how my kids are speaking to me or I have a problem with the nature of the request.  I don't like it when I feel like my children are being demanding or pushy, and I dislike it even more when I think they aren't using good manners. 

A family friend helped me avoid the "No, no, no" trap by introducing me to the idea of "Do-overs".  A do-over is a second chance to make the request--this time without the whining or high-pitched demand.  No grounding or punishment necessary.  Here's how it works:

• Your child begs, demands, pleads or is downright rude.  You'll know they've crossed the line by your immediate gut reaction.  Some parents give in in this scenario, just to make the noise stop, while others (like me) go into total lockdown mode.  If you feel your temper rising, chances are this is the perfect occasion for a do-over.
• Tell your child you don't like to talk to people or be spoken to in this way.  Kids need to know that whether you are on the receiving or the giving end, all your interactions need to be conducted with the utmost respect.  Make sure you tell them in the most calm, dispassionate way, that you'd be happy to hear their request, but not in this manner.
• Ask if the child would like a "do-over".  Sometimes kids are too mad, wound up or just not in a good space to try again.  If this is the case, drop the subject and suggest you revisit the request a little bit later.  If they're up for another go at it, ask them to physically leave the room and come back in--this time using their best manners and all the respect they can muster.  By physically changing the space they are in, you help them embody a new attitude.
• Listen to the restated request as if it were the first time you are hearing it.  It's important that the child know that all past offense is forgotten and that they have a decent shot of hearing yes this time, if they use their manners.  Listen with a smile on your face, giving them all the attention you can muster.
• Say yes whenever possible.  There's no point in going through this exercise if you can't follow through with a more positive response.  In those cases where you still need to say no, let your no be a temporary situation with a definite yes on the upcoming calendar.  The whole point of the exercise is to help your kids learn how to speak politely and with respect, so they can experience a better outcome.

You can do this with almost any age child--teens included.  The key is to be as playful and light as possible and to help your kids understand that it pays to speak to people in a kind and respectful manner.  If you really want to shock your kids, the next time you yell or lose your cool, ask if you can have a do-over.  Kids and adults alike need the experience of practicing to speak to one another respectfully, no matter the age or stage of personal development.   As soon as your kids are convinced that respect is a two-way street at your house, you'll be on your way.