I wanted to be a Mommy so badly and until it happened, I never believed the one or two complaints of Motherhood that I heard on television. I couldn't imagine that people would actually find this complicated. I mean all you have to do is love a cute baby. How hard could that be, right? WRONG. I was unbelievably wrong. Motherhood is filled with secrets that are only whispered about on somewhat anonymous blogs and message boards on-line. And these secrets are kept hidden in the tradition of the Knights Templar- there are clues and coded messages that cannot be understood by newbies. Not that they want to. If you are like most soon-to-be-mommies, you don't go looking for these secrets. You live in complete euphoria and tell yourself that Motherhood will be perfect.

As a new-to-the-game-Mommy, let me tell you that this is so not true. Motherhood is like a really strict weight-loss program. You enter into it with the best of intentions, but sometime after day 5, you want to go back to the life you led before. And so, in the hopes  of saving other unsuspecting women from the total shock of Motherhood., here are the secrets that I am uncovering as I embark on my Motherhood journey:

(1) Babies are cute most of the time, but when they are screaming at the top of their lungs because they are feeling/wanting/needing something that you have to figure out that cuteness turns to obnoxious. However, once you figure out what it is that they feel/want/need the cuteness returns.

(2) The sound of a crying baby doesn't just cause your breast to leak at the most inconvenient times, it also makes your heart shatter and you feel as if you failed as a mother. Again, the cuteness returns when you have managed to calm said baby, you will feel as if you won the lottery.

(3) After you have tried every trick in the book to soothe your baby, your husband/spouse/significant other will be able to do it just by picking him/her up. And you will feel like a complete failure. You will also count the minutes until your husband/spouse/significant other comes to relieve you.

(4) The sound of your baby's explosive gas and/or poop will make you smile and laugh. That is until that sound is followed by screams because said baby has a horrible diaper rash that you cannot cure no matter what you try. You will try every remedy in the book or suggested by your friends/family, and nothing will work. Finally you will sell your soul to the devil for a cure only to find that said baby doesn't even have diaper rash but an allergy to disposable diapers.

(5) You will call your pediatrician no less than 12 times in the first week of having your baby home because EVERYTHING that your baby does will seem abnormal. Don't worry, he/she expects it and in fact has set up Sunday hours just so new moms can feel better.

(6) Every mother who had children over 20 years ago will disagree with everything that you are doing. They will tell you to use products/techniques that have been proven dangerous and then will knock your pediatrician for not telling you to do the same. Nod, smile, thank them, and then do what you want. You will avoid a lot of arguments this way.

(7) Mother's of all ages in your family (especially your in-laws) will criticize EVERYTHING you do that is different from what they do in order to justify their own parenting choices. Again, nod, smile and then do what you want.

(8) Breast milk is GREAT for your baby, but sometimes breastfeeding or pumping can be too stressful . Don't feel badly if you decide to stop. Your baby will not hate you if you use formula. In fact, your baby doesn't care. As long as you smile while you are feeding him, he will think you are the best thing since, well, since amniotic fluid.

(9) You will cut your baby's finger when you try to clip her nails for the first time. She will bleed a lot. You will cry. But she will not. Don't worry, we all do it.

(10) People will try to categorize your baby. They will compare him to other children and it will annoy you to no end. CHANGE THE SUBJECT OR GET AWAY.

(11) You will be tired. You will be stressed. You will be overwhelmed. You will doubt yourself. You will be cranky. You will be scared. You will be happy. You will be smitten. You will be totally in love. And you will be GREAT. Make sure you find people to tell you that. Hearing it will do wonders for your coping abilities.