Sometimes the only thing a parent can do is walk away. We focus on protecting our children as they grow up. We vow to love and protect them always, they are our life... But fact is when they grow up you loose that ability more and more. When they reach
different ages and stages, when they begin along the road of 'independence' and when they leave the nest you have created for them, you can not protect them from the 'horrors' of life. You just hope that they remember and leave with all you have taught them. But what happens when they act or make choices that you know are wrong, what happens when their choices have placed them in trouble? What happens when no matter what you do, it makes things worst? What happens when one child's choice puts you or others at risk?
Last year I found myself collecting my daughter (20) off the side of the road in the early hours of the morning, taking photos of her tiny body covered in bruises and lying to the boyfriend about her where abouts. I gave her all the support I could, all the information I could find and took her to counselling. What I couldn't do, is change the way she felt about him, or thought she felt and she kept going back. I was terrified that he was going to kill her one day, something that nearly happened when he tried to stab her with cementers peg. Still this was not enough for her to leave and she went back to him.
The boyfriend resented my family and I for the help we gave her and began threatening my eldest son and I. He would drive past, phone and each time she made contact with me, the threats got worst. I was torn between helping my daughter and protecting my other 3 children. I had gone to the police, I begged her to leave him, I had some pretty evil thoughts of what I could do or have done to him....things became so bad I had to make a choice. Something
NO parent should have to do.....I had to walk away from my daughter, I had to stop rescuing her, I had to stop contact with her. If I didn't I would have ended up rescuing my son (17) from god knows what.
DV (Domestic violence) is a horrible situation for anyone to be in and when its your child, you feel helpless, frustrated and completely useless. My relationship with my daughter suffered terribly. She understood why I didn't like the boyfriend, but didn't accept the fact I would not have him in my home, hold conversations with him or tolerate him. She didn't like the fact I wouldn't allow any of the other children to stay over her house and if I stood up to him, for myself and my children she would become angry with me and refuse to talk to me...I felt I was in a no win situation. The decision to step away from my daughter did not come lightly. I was terrified at what would happen to her, I was also terrified as to what may happen if my eldest son retaliated as well. The two youngest were too scared to do anything outside because of threats made, I would check my car everyday to make sure he hadn't done anything to it...we were becoming that paranoid I may as well had been in a relationship with him. I stepped away for 4 months, the LONGEST 4 months of my life. I was glad to be able to keep track of what was going on through friends, but yet kept an extremely hard and quite watch, hoping that she would leave him before it was too late. Something she did finally do....
When we caught up after she left this relationship we spoke at great length over my decision to step away. I needed her to know how hard it was for me to do that, I needed her to know that I never stopped watching out for her and I was relieved to find out that it was a great part of why she left him. Not being accessible to her made her realise what she had and what he had taken from her. The lack of a safety net showed her exactly what dangers she was facing. It was like holding a mirror and seeing the truth. I was judged so many times by others for what I did. I was called heartless, ruthless, a bad mother....you name it I was called it. We all have our own perspective of what being a good parent is, how we might react in different circumstances. Truth be known I
never would have thought I would have stepped away from something like this, not my own child. I also never thought I'd be a widow at 35 either. The point I am making is that we may have goals and expectations of what we are, who we are and what we want and want to achieve for ourselves and our children, these change though and sometimes they change despite how hard you may fight to keep them.
My actions, despite the many critics, were the only ones I felt I had. I made them with the intentions of keeping 3 of my 4 children safe. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and hope like hell that the ones you love follow you. I was lucky, she did....but it could have very easily backfired on me. Each person who shot me down did not help the situation, they contributed to it and contributed to the friction felt between my daughter and I. If you know someone who is in a similar situation as I was, support them as these decisions do not come lightly. You may think you would act differently to another, but you just don't know. We are not perfect parents, we are not without faults and no one has the patent on 'Perfect Parenting'. We are all learners striving to be in control of the direction we move and sometimes the roads are foggy....
(December 2006) (
