Relationships in the family

Hm...This is never simple.

There are two kinds of gains here - the primary gains of bringing a perpetrator to justice and the secondary gains of keeping the status quo re: the looking-after of the aged relative and all the other family things. That said, how deserving is a family of peace if it did nothing while such atrocities were perpetrated on one of its members? It is up to you and your brother to decide which gains you feel are more important, although I feel that, as he has even brought the subject up, the primary gains are more important - if nothing more than getting some closure. One shhould also factor in the likelihood of achieving the desired outcome after all this time - not that I'm saying that the outcome is not deserved no matter how long.

Given that there is going to be a can of worms opened, I'm always extremely uneasy regarding the family dynamic in cases like this. Who is the prime villain here? - the molester (unfortunately usually male) or the mother who knows about it and chooses to condone? I realise that there are often very compelling reasons why a mother would do and say nothing in a situaion like this, but I sometimes can't help thinking of it as the ultimate in betrayal. Every situation is unique.

If you decide to open the can of worms (and, God knows, you're more than entitled), be brave and be prepared to wear the disapproval of the rest of the family - from my own experience in my counselling practice it never ceases to amaze me how those you would think would hold certain opinions and behave in a certain way seem to make a habit of being downright perverse.

 I know this hasn't been very definite one way or the other - I'm just trying to lay out your options and likely results, and whichever way you decide, you're in for a hard battle.

Be brave; stay strong and trust in your own insights and the good will of the Universe.

Good luck!

I think you would get a better response if you posted this in Q&A

 Lexi xxx

This is hard for me to answer as I was in a similar situation to your brother.  I remember telling my mother about it and she told me I dreamed it.  It plagued me for yrs not knowing if it actually happened or not.  The man was not removed from my life, nor was anyone careful not to leave me alone with him.  I now know, as an adult that children of that age dont dream things like that unless they have been exposed to sexual activity.  So I know that even if it didnt happen to me on the night that I told my mother about it, it had to have happened at some stage.  I saw on Opera once signs to look for if your child was being abused and I had almost all of them.  If only we had Opera 25yrs ago.

People have told me that I should confront the man now but I truly have no need to.  He is a Pathetic old thing that had a stroke about 20yrs ago and was wheelchair bound, he wasnt about to hurt anyone else, he was physically incapable of it.  I figure Karma got him in the end.

If your uncle has no contact with children and is looking after your grandfather, maybe it is best to wait.  If your grandfather needs care, a revelation like this could give him a turn for the worse.  I know it sounds like a cop out but these things rarely just involve the main offender.  One of the reasons i never did anything about it was that his wife was a truly beautiful lady that copped alot from this horrible man and I figured she didnt need anymore pain.  You might even find that your uncle was abused himself, (most abusers are) maybe your family knows this and doesnt want the can of worms opened.

If you really feel that he is still a danger to other children then I would definately have your brother call the police and have him charged.  I think your brother needs to do this for himself.  Be there to hold his hand but it sounds to me that he needs some self healing.  I had problems when I was a teenager but I no I wasnt to blame, and that the man that did it to me was evil and sick so I dont think I have any serious issues.  Maybe they will resurface in time.  Please feel free to email me or ask me anything anytime. 

Since your uncle cares for your grandfather, I would make sure that a social worker is close at hand.  You never know.  Though most cases these kind of people stick with a certain age group.  I would be more worried about kids then your grandfather.  Though tell someone who can look into this.  I too have been thru what you have.  I have a family member that suffered like your brother.  Speak out and yes, tell the police or someone.  Even though it happened years ago, something can still be done.  At least counseling.  I'm praying for you.