i just left my partner of 1 and 1/2 years and im a young mother, we have a 3 month old son together and im wanting to get sole custody because he has never had anything to do with our son (never feeds, changes, baths or buys anything for him)

Probably the most important thing is to have a formal custody arrangement. Take it as a given that you get custody and that he gets visitation (being in the right mindset will help things go your way). When going through my divorce, I got the following advice from my lawyer - let the father set the visitation (within reason). My ex set it so that he takes the children every Monday from 4pm and can either bring them back at 8 or have them sleep over (they always sleep over); every Wednesday from 6pm to 8pm; every-other weekend (from Friday after school until Sunday morning - we have school here on Sunday); 1/2 of the holidays and 1 week during the summer.

Letting him set the original visitation means that he is committing to something. My ex didn't want to commit, so in the divorce agreement, he wrote "may take the children" instead of "will take the children". This is very good for me in terms of a possible future custody battle. If he had wanted the kids from the beginning, he would have made an obligation toward them and would have asked to have them for more than 1 week during the summer (which means that I have them for 8 weeks). Keeping a social worker involved (which I did) means that someone else is aware of whether he's sticking to the terms or not. If he set the terms, he should stick to them, otherwise he's not reliable (very bad for him in a custody case). Once you have such an agreement, make sure to keep a list (including dates) of when he is and isn't taking the baby and of how he brings the baby back (clean, fed, etc.).

My lawyer also said that if the ex *does* stick with the visitation, then it will be good for the child. Even with all of your anger and all of your concerns about your ex being a bad parent (and a bad person in general), he *is* the father of your child and your child should have a relationship with him. If you suspect abuse at any time, then the story changes - you'll need to get professional advice (social worker, police, etc.).

With regard to your specific concerns, whenever the father takes the baby, he MUST feed and change him. If he doesn't take him overnight, don't expect him to bathe the child or change his clothes. When the father is with the baby, he is responsible for basic needs. You should take advantage of the free time you get to do something positive for yourself (and not sit there worrying whether he's treating the baby right or not). Surprisingly, some fathers suddenly prove themselves to be worthy  when they are left to it

During the first year, my ex was bad about taking the kids. He would promise he was coming but didn't show up; would come really late; wouldn't say anything at all & the kids would be waiting... From the second year, he started to be more consistent. He still never takes the kids during the summer and doesn't take them during most of the vacations, but for the regular stuff he's pretty consistent. A few times he didn't follow the agreement (i.e., took the kids when it was NOT his time), I went to the police, so that helped stop that situation. I keep a list of the abusive things he does (like driving away without the kids, calling 10x in a row, etc.) and show it to the social worker whenever he threatens that he's going to try to get custody of the kids...

When my ex did take the kids, I dated Ohad (now my husband), spent weekends with him, flew to France and to Prague... we had a chance to really get to know each other & to decide that we wanted to get married. After we were married, we had weekends alone, quiet evenings sometimes, etc... So... it isn't always a disadvantage to have someone else watch your child.

This terrible time does eventually pass :-) I was lucky. My divorce only took about 4 (long, long, everlasting and horrible) months.