I want to get something out that I hope will help alot of parents. I want to say that if you have the unfortunate even of divorcing, please, watch what you say around your children. Be careful what you say. I know how easy it is to say things
about someone you are upset with, but don't vent at your kids.
1. They are not therapist and any negative thing you say about mommy or daddy will only make them upset. Imagine being told that your mom, whom you afore more then anything is a horrible lying person. My sister, brother and I were told that from my dad. Of course it is not true!
2. Tell them it's not their fault. It's bad enough for kids to think that they had something, or everything to do with the divorce. I was never told it was not my fault, and my sister and I felt that it was for a long time. My sister would do everything she could to keep them from fighting. Kids don't need this kind of pressure, plus they don't know how to handle it.
3. If your mad at your soon-to-be ex and are fighting, don't do it infront of the children. Again, this goes back to them hearing things about their parents who they love, and then feeling like they are the cause.
4. Put stability in their life as soon as possible. Have one parent move out is very upsetting. Try your best to stick with the old routine, though modify as needed.
5. Most important, give you child an outlet for anger, rage, and sadness. They don't know how to express their feelings like adults do, and this can be very damaging. My brother coulds not express his anger, and now he is in counseling because of it and has done very hurtful things to himself.
5a. Seek couseling during the divorce. It will help everyone.
6. Talk to them about how they feel with everything. Try and answer their questions as best as you can, but you don't need to tell them everything. Make sure that they feel that they are being heard too, this will help in the transition from 2 parents in the house to 1 parent in the house.
7. As much as you want to know what your ex is saying about you or doing with their new life, don't ask your child. This only puts them in the middle, and we are all adults and can ask questions of our own. Putting a child in the middle will put undo stress and pressure on them and can make them think that this is what they have to do all the time, let them enjoy their mommy and daddy as best they can.
8. If there is any abuse supected as a result of the devorce or that is why there is a devorce, get help to proctect your children! Ask for guidance on how to tell them why they can no longer see mommy or daddy.
Children are very impressonable, I've seen it in my brother and sister, who both are suffering from their fathers cruelty while my mom divorced him. Be very careful as to what you say, even if you think that your child can't hear you, chances are they can. A child is only as confident and strong as his/her parents show them to be. Be strong and your kids will to. Seek help even if it's just to make sure that everything is ok. Remember, time passes and life goes on, make it the best for your kids as you can. Speaking as a child that came from a verbally abusing father and horrible divorce, I came out strong, but my siblings have scars for the rest of their lives. I pray that other children don't have to have these scares too.
(December 2006) (
