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  4.36 (Worth a try) from 34 votes (4060 Visits) |
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What is a High-Need baby? |
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by Izzy  (May 2006) (rank 5th) |
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Have you heard of the the term High-Need baby? Highly spirited? Highly active? I first heard the term High-Need when I picked up a Dr. Sears book when my son was about 6 months old. At that time, I thought I was doing everything wrong in terms of raising my son because nothing I was doing was working for him.
FEATURES OF A HIGH-NEED BABY according to Dr. Sears:
- INTENSE
- HYPERACTIVE
- DRAINING
- FEEDS FREQUENTLY
- DEMANDING
- AWAKENS FREQUENTLY
- UNSATISFIED
- SUPER-SENSITIVE
- UNPREDICTABLE
- CAN'T PUT BABY DOWN
- NOT A SELF-SOOTHER
- SEPARATION SENSITIVE
When Matthew was 5 months old, I was doubting my abilities as a mom. I thought I must be doing something wrong because Matthew hated to be put down. He only napped if I was holding him, and even then he only slept 30 minutes at a time. I had to constantly hold him or he cried and cried and cried. I also couldn't put him in his crib to sleep. Either I was doing something wrong, or I wasn't doing something that I was supposed to. My husband and I mentioned this to friends and most of them seem to think we're just spoiling Matthew. Most told us to just let Matthew cry. I resisted the idea of letting Matthew "cry-out" but when I ran out of ideas to try, I caved in. One day I left Matthew in his crib and left. He cried for 2 hours straight. After 2 hours, I couldn't take it anymore and got him. For 3-4 days after this, Matthew got worse. He wouldn't let me put him down on the floor to play, which he often did many times before. The "cry-out" method not only failed, but it backfired.
I encountered a lot of challenges with Matthew that I hardly heard other mothers go through and it was frustrating. Again, I felt like a failure until I read Dr. Sears' The Baby Book. The section on high-need babies opened my eyes. It wasn't me afterall. It helped me undertand that Matthew is different from most babies so what worked for most babies didn't quite work for him. Having a high-need son taught me to be a responsive parent. Through trial and error, I found things that worked for Matthew. This allowed us both to live happily and more in sync with each other. Like most moms who subscribe to the idea of attachment/compassionate/loving/gentle parenting, I do what is right for Matthew and not what other people say I should do.
If you have a high-need baby, I highly suggest visiting Dr. Sears' website http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp . I also found support from other moms of high-need babies at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HNchild/ .
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4.36 (Worth a try) from 34 votes |
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Re: What is a High-Need baby?
Glad to hear that M is so much nicer at 4 too - I remember just before DD1 turned 4 I realised "you know what, I am actually ENJOYING being your mum at last... drat, the new baby arrives in a few weeks!" - it had been a constant battle for YEARS and I wanted to enjoy this new calm! Not that we never battle any more you understand, but every year has been an improvement on the last (and she's nearly 7 now). However she still battles over some things - she would 'cut off her nose to spite her face' some days, eg risking social humiliation rather than admitting mum might have some good advice (just wait til the teens  , eh?)
And I just can't believe how few battles I have with her younger sister. I mean, we are nearly all the way to her third birthday now, and at this age her big sister would battle me over every breath, or so it seemed, and we can go a whole day with DD2 without a proper battle. I think "am I just more chilled out now?" but I think that's not entirely what has happened here. DD2 has a strong will of her own, and has learned some tricks by watching her sister, but she is much less confrontational by nature. Hurray!
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High Needs/Strong Willed
Great to see I'm not the only one! Wish Id met you guys years ago! I had to work it out by myself. Two books which helped me a) feel normal & b)adjust to my baby were:
- The No Cry Sleep Solution (where I encountered Dr Sears, but never followed him up - doh!) by Elizabeth Pantley, ay 15 months - finally SLEEP and no cry-it-out; and
- The Strong Willed Child by Dr Dobson, where I was relieved to see that my DD was a 7/10 (not 10/10!), and that a SWC often does not like routine, contrary to popular myth, and that most children are on the strong-willed side of the graph (>5/10) according to Dr Dobson, so we're not so weird after all! Wish Id read it before she was 3!
My new baby was born at home and Im sure the relaxed atmosphere helped her get off to a more relaxed start than her big sister, though she definitely popped out strong willed - nurture can only modify nature by so much! Baby Sophie is definitely a bit more compliant (opposite of SW) but Im struggling to treat her as compliant, putting her down, following a routine of sorts, as DD1 has me so well trained!
One other thing I learned from the second book: the most difficult mix is a strong willed child (thrives on the "fight") with a compliant mum (thrives on "approval") - which is me. My DD1 doesnt give me much approval, but thats not how shes wired, she wants to win the upper hand all the time! So my DH has to give me that reassuring approval to stop me feeling emotionally in deficit! Thankfully Ive been blessed with a good one there!
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Anyway, Dr Sears is great. I am so happy that there is a doctor that supports NOT letting your baby cry it out. That would have killed me and my daughter when she was little, I think. I would also recommend The Discipline Book for a bit of help once you're past The Baby Book! 
