Life after school - your grown up child is now an adult.
Congratulations your child has now left school. What is your role in their life now? Some children stay home until they get married, be that at 18 or 48.
What are you going to
do about that? They are an adult now, so your relationship takes a major shift. No longer are you automatically there for guidance, but you are still 100% there for support.
1) They are still living at home for the duration.
Privacy. What are the borderlines for privacy and where can you still have house rules
Job. Is your young adult going to get a job and support themself? What are their options in the job market? In the UK factory 'picking-packing' jobs pay really really well! if you get in with the right company! Many companies are teaching on the job again to encourage people to work instead of live off the state. Or do they have a dream and is there a job they can get to help them onto that career ladder.
Rent. Can you charge them rent? How much is fair? Will this be revised as the years go on? Will you encourage them to find their own place to live after a certain period of time? Local council should be able to give advice ont his if you are unsure of what is reasonable and what the boundaries are. State benefits (if available in your country) are not due if you are related to the landlord, so it has to be a private arrangement.
Further Education. Do they have dreams? Can they do night classes, internet based courses and also start a career. Do they prefer to do an apprenticeship or training program of some kind that is particular to a certain trade.
Nights out. Are you ready for them to come stumbling in after a night out pubbing/clubbing/going to gigs? Maybe they already do, or maybe this is a world to which they are about to be exposed. At some point in our lives we are all exposed to having a social life - some later than others.
Relationships. Are they allowed to bring friends home for slepovers? Do particular friends need to be introduced before they come home. A friend of mine has a little girl and is a recently single mum. She has met a guy, he has met her daughter already, but has not yet told his mother whom he lives with that these people even exist, and doesnt intend to until the new year! How free are they to come and go? My brother is living at home for a couple of months and he chooses not to go out on the days my mother has an early shift the next morning - as he knows how she sleeps so lightly on these nights and will not rest well ready for her shift. But sometimes he disappears to gigs at a moments notice because a place is available on the bus or something and he wants to support his friends, and she has food ready for a meal.
or 2) They choose to leave home immediately either to find a flat down the road and work and be independent, or go off to university. How often will they come home, how often will you be welcome at their place, do you visit unannounced or not?
or 3) They left home years ago - but now they have moved back in again. Same questions need to be answered. But this time they have experienced life without you around. It will have changed them somewhat. New respect and appreciation will be required for an equilibrium to be maintained.
As a parent you need to recognise their adult status and they need to respect and recognise yours. You are still their parent. This is a relationship that should not be mistreated because there will still be times when children look to their parents for advice, support and love when the rest of the world is coming against them. 'Going home to Mummy for a hug' is something I hear many adults say, especially those who are single and struggling in the world of dating and relationships.
I know I have appreciated the support my parents continue to give each one of us even though we have all left home. Two of my brothers have moved back home for short periods of time and things ahve been tough, but the adjustment has been made and an equilibrium reached. Incredible really, but great also to know that everyone was able to compromise and realise the needs of each other and work to find a solution over the rough bits.
I have not lived through this yet from a parent perspective. If I have left anything off please comment or let me know so I can add to the article.
Peace
EF.x
(December 2006) (
