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ADVICE RATING |
 4.72 (Highly recommend) from 25 votes (685 Visits) |
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Dealing With Difficult Memories from Labor |
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by jenlemen  (December 2006) (rank 1st) |
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I keep having nightmares I'm back in labour. I feel so angry and upset about how it all went. It was an experience that I don't want to go through again and I wish it would just leave me alone. Any ideas how to move on?
- Talk, talk, talk and then some. You'll experience some pressure from friends and loved ones to turn your back on difficult emotions and focus on the baby (your labor "prize"). While you might be tempted to try to follow this advice, it's in everyone's best interest if you let the feelings (and tears) flow instead. If doing so is unsettling to your family, that's just a sign that it's time to take to your troubles to the women around you who are willing to tell (and hear) it like it is. Expressing the full range of your emotions in a safe and supportive environment is the first step to making peace with your birth. So talk your heart out. It will help you process, I promise.
- Write, draw, paint. You might find that there are no words to express your grief (or rage or horror) over your experience in the labor room. If this is the case, consider instead the respite of a book of blank pages where you can journal, doodle or even add color to your darker emotions. Sometimes when words are not enough, the best thing you can do is give your subconscious mind permission to let go on the page. If doing something artistic feels daunting, you might try your hand at collage. All you have to do is flip through a magazine and cut out any words or images that speak to you, fixing them on a piece of construction paper for safe keeping. You'll be amazed how your creative mind can bring some relief to your hurting heart, especially when you give yourself the space to be angry, hurt or scared.
- Journal. Make notes about your birth in a small notebook, much like a reporter would. Which part(s) of the experience are most troubling to you? Do you have any lingering questions about what happened and why? Use your journal to keep a record of the parts of your story that aren't quite in full focus. Investigate current birthing practices and consult your neighborhood experts for further explanation on what may have happened and why. One key thing to consider is how your birthing place (hospital, birth center or home) may have impacted your range of choices during birth. By gathering information, you can start to put the whole picture into focus. Don't forget to consult your dreams for missing clues about what is bothering you most.
- Put together your narrative. Part of recovering from traumatic events is understanding the timeline of events and where you were able to exercise your power effectively. By writing out your story, you can see the whole thing from start to finish. You'll know the soul work remaining by the parts of the story that just don't flow quite yet. These are the places where it's tempting to assign blame--either to yourself or your caregivers. Resist the urge to judge what happened and make sure your finer moments make it into the story line. As a doula, I can promise you that every birthmother brings with her an amazing gift into the labor room--whether it be patience, the ability to surrender, optimism or a willingness to fight. Where were you persistent, enduring, brave or vocal despite difficult circumstances? Ask a dear friend to help you find the high points of your story as you recount your tale so far. You'll know you're getting somewhere when your story recounts your power in all its forms--joy and sorrow.
- Get out your highlighter. As you start to tell your story--with all its highs and lows--you'll find that some of the saddest, most difficult moments of your experience are now in crystal sharp focus. You can honor your story and shore up your own sense of dignity by telling the truth as best as you know it. In my own birth story, I have chosen to acknowledge that I did the very best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. When I come up against the parts of my story where I lacked support or proper care, I claim this as part of my story as well. Telling the truth about all of it helps me take responsibility for my choices going forward. I know now that support, encouragement and being vocal about what's important to me are essential in all matters, not just birth.
- Make a sacred space. For me, it's the top shelf of a bookshelf in my living room. Here I light candles and collect little symbols of healing and hope. I'm not too serious about it, I just collect the objects that speak to me and wait for patterns to emerge. If all this feels too ephemeral to you, put one bowl and one candle on your windowsill. Sit quietly and search for the one word that captures your feelings for the moment. Write it down, roll the tiny slip of paper into a mini-scroll and place it in the bowl. Light the candle, put on some quiet music and watch the light burn. I honestly think tiny rituals like this help us tend to the spiritual side of our anger and sadness.
- Help someone else. You could give advice, but the real treasure of your experience comes in the form of helping hands. Ask new mothers about their births. Take meals, bring flowers, offer to hold the baby while she takes a shower. I found my healing in the form of doula training. Learning how to really be there for other women through experiences far beyond my own helped me heal the part of my heart that felt abandoned in birth. To my surprise and delight, I discovered that I could make a real difference--especially in those instances where things went far off plan. By helping someone else, I realized the joy of birth over and over again--something that could never have happened if I had kept to myself.
- Get some help. Sometimes you really need to know you are processing this hard memory in the presence of someone who can catch you if you start to fall. For me, that person was my doula trainer. She recognized instantly that I needed serious talk time to get to a healthy place with my birth memories and made space over the weeklong training for just that. Other women may require regular counseling or a weekly visit to an older relative who understands what you are going through. Should your feelings of despair or rage escalate, do not hesitate to seek out professional help immediately, especially if you feel you or your little ones are in danger. Trauma from birth is a real phenomenon and should be cared for with the utmost respect and seriousness.
I hope this helps someone out there trying to make sense out of a traumatic birth. Please know I'm more than happy to talk on Minti mail or to start a Minti group for this express purpose. Many blessings and best wishes for brighter days ahead.
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4.72 (Highly recommend) from 25 votes |
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Memories
i always had flashbacks of labour just as I went into labour with the next one!!! Great!!
I also had awful miscarriage when in my 20th week with my first, it was handled really badly, I kept telling everyone I felt ill they kept saying, get over it your only pregnant, type of thing, I then started bleeding, they sent me for a scan which wasn't even done by a dr, this technician (ok it was 23 years ago!!!) scanned me and said, Oh this baby is dead, I'll get someone and left me alone with goo still over my tummy, it was what they call a missed miscarriage the baby had been dead for weeks, they wanted me to carry on and lose it bit by bit. I changed my gynae who had me right in for a D & C as soon as he saw me, but I had to carry a dead baby for a week. It was dreadful, from that day on I was scared to death of scans and always asked the dr/midwife to tell me gently if they ever found anything as soon as I walked into scan room. Not nice but I'm over it now as I have 4 lovely kids
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Related keywords: birth, depression, difficult, labor, nightmares, pnd, post-traumatic, stress, trauma
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