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Sometimes, despite our best intentions, things just don't work out the way we had hoped. As a mom-to-be, I went to the breastfeeding classes, read some breastfeeding books, and researched the topic extensively on the internet. Long before my due date I had my bags of frozen peas in the freezer
(ready to relieve the inevitable engorgement), my breast pump was on order, and I had practiced the various holds for proper breastfeeding positioning.
A few hours after Jack was born the lactation consultant brought him in to teach me how to breastfeed. Her first reaction was that I had flat nipples. Flat nipples, I wondered? I always thought I was normal. No problem she said, we'll just use a nipple shield. So she showed me how to use it, and Jack latched on, and it was wonderful. I felt like the best mommy in the whole world because I was holding my baby close and he was snuggly and happy, and he fell asleep. I was sore, but I was prepared for some soreness at first. A few hours later, Jack was hungry again, so the lactation consultant came back, and he latched on, but this time it was very painful. The consultant saw my toes curling in pain, and she said, "That shouldn't be happening!" I insisted that it was probably fine, but she went and got another consultant to help. They checked the latch, and they said it was fine and correct, but something just wasn't right, because it wasn't supposed to hurt that much. So they took Jack off and as soon as they removed him from my breast they looked down, and one exclaimed, "Honey, he's deforming you!" They each stuck a finger in his mouth and determined that Jack was a "tongue-sucker." I told them about how even at the 20-week ultrasound, Jack sucked his thumb, and on all his ultrasounds he did this thing that looked like he was blowing bubbles, but apparently was him sucking on his tongue. So Jack was a pro at sucking on his tongue, which in turn gave him the unusual sucking motion of smashing his tongue up against his hard palate, which is what he was doing to my poor nipple, not taking it back onto his soft palate like he was supposed to. And since he had been doing this for at least 19 weeks, his tongue smashing motion was very strong!
Anyway, after two more consultations for breastfeeding, it was determined that I would risk permanent damage if Jack continued to breastfeed. I was heartbroken, but at least I had my breast pump (tip: buy it before you deliver!), so he'd still get the nutritional benefits of breastmilk. So I pumped and I pumped, and I just didn't get very much milk out, even though in the first month I was religious about pumping every two hours and even when I did 24 hours of pumping every hour to simulate a growth spurt (this is supposed to stimulate your body into making more milk). My milk just kind of went away after two months, and I was very disappointed that it hadn't worked out like I had hoped. Hopefully with our next baby things will work out better.
In the meantime, however, I've looked, and there isn't a lot of support out there for moms who have tried breastfeeding but ran into problems like this. We all know that "breast is best," but sometimes it doesn't work out despite a lot of effort. I felt guilty and depressed for weeks, and still do a little bit, that I was unable to give my little guy the best start possible. But I'm realizing that this guilt isn't helpful to anyone. If this happens to you, it's important to not feel guilty. You tried, and you love your baby and just want what is best for him. So reassure yourself that you're a good mom, and trust your baby the next time he smiles at you and tells you that he loves you.
(May 2006) (
