As a mum with 2 kids in a private school, I sometimes find that many interesting social scenarios and playground politics are played outside of the playground. Often not by the children, but by the parents.
A comment by another mum at school the other day about the
"clickiness" of certain groups of mums at school had me thinking. I am sure that the feeling of exclusion that my friend experienced was not uncommon in most places. As human beings, we do form our own groups of friends and this is not only an accepted social behaviour, it is probably also necessary in our existence. We cannot survive on our own - think of the isolation and the loneliness if we didn't have our circle of close friends. However, this is not the sort of thing that I am talking about. Social exclusion and snobbery can disguise itself as something else and this type of behaviour can result in hurt and embarrassment for others.
As a parent of new schoolers, you may have felt as I have - excitement, trepidation and a sense of wanting to belong in this new community. As a parent, you also wish for your child to adapt to the new environment and make new friends. One of the first advice that I received was "to make friends with the mums" so that the kid will get invited on "play dates" and "birthday parties". I promptly did that. I was always friendly, on deck to lend a helping hand and I made sure that everyone was invited to my son's first year birthday party. I wanted to be "universally" friendly, as opposed to belonging only in a certain group at school.
On the sidelines, I was also wary of being pigeon-holed into a sub-category of mums. I observe that certain mums and therefore their children are excluded from participating in certain social network. There exists separate "clans" of mums in the classroom. For instance, all of the Asian kids play together. The mums whose kids wear the same type of designer clothes tend to go shopping together as well. Kids often pick up on this vibe and will behave in a similar way to other kids. I have heard a kid say to another that she was only allowed to play with another child, ostensibly due to the mums' better relationship with each other.
If you feel that you are caught in this sort of situation, these are a few tips to handle the situation better:
(1) Be open. You know that your kids should socialise with everyone as this makes them better and more well-rounded individuals. Do not exclude any child because of your relationship (or lack thereof) with his/her parent.
(2) Do not participate. In every social group, there seems to be a requirement for an "outcast" or "pariah", if you will. If you feel that someone is being singled out as that outcast, you need not "bond" over a cup of cattiness to belong. This is hurtful for that targeted parent and even the child. If you think that there is a problem, eg if a certain child is behaving in a socially unacceptable way at school, then wouldn't it be better to try to address the problem (if you feel the need to) rather than using this as a conversational topic?
(3) Rotate your playdates. If you invite a certain group of kids (for play) all the time, then maybe try a few others that your child does not usually play with. More likely than not, your child will end up having fun anyway!
There is this rather misunderstood child in class, 'A" is often a loner and not many kids play with him. We took him home one day for a play and my son had a lot of fun. They ended up playing slightly more at school since then. When I asked my son why he has not played with "A" previously, he said that his friends would not let "A" into the games. I also noticed that "A" has a full time working mum who for some reason, does not "fit" the social stereotype of the school.
(4) Try not to instigate friendships for your child. As parents of young children we may unwittingly try to influence who they should be friends with. While I can understand that there is a need to monitor who kids hang out with in their later years, there is less of a need to do this when they are young children. Kids should not be taught to discriminate, or judge another child by colour, clothes, car, toys, religion or background.
When my sister was at school, she was often referred to as "the Chinese girl" by some of her classmates' parents. While I am sure that this was not derogatory in any way as she was the only Asian girl in her class, I think that it taught the kids to recognise that my sister was different. Remember that children learn by example, how you are towards your friends and how you behave socially will have a greater impact on your children than you realise.
(5) Take a step back. Remember that although you are meant to share in your children's experiences, you are no longer in School! You do not need to get yourself caught up in all of the "politicking" around you. Friendliness, courtesy and helpfulness should be extended to everyone not just to those select few!
(December 2006) (
Lexi xxx
