In recent years, there's been increasing debate about how we can effectively discipline children - and the rights and wrongs of physical punishment. So where do the experts, and today's families, stand on this controversial issue and what are the alternatives?
Ask any parent and they'll tell you that
their kids often don't do what they're told. They won't do their homework, go to bed on time and, on occasion, would rather put a Playstation through its paces than eat a lovingly prepared meal.
The fact that children disobey or misbehave isn't news - they're simply doing what kids have always done. What is making headlines, however, is the way today's parents choose to discipline their children, especially when it comes to physical punishment.
While many of today's adults may have been commonly punished with a smack - or even a leather strap - as a child, attitudes toward using these methods as a form of discipline have changed.
Experts agree that there is no one right way for parents to discipline children; individual parenting styles are as different as children themselves. But the results of a study conducted by the Australian Childhood Foundation (ACF) and Monash University - published in April last year - suggest that the majority of parents feel anxious about discipline, and want to "get parenting right".
Associate Professor Margaret Sims is Co-ordinator of Children and Family Studies at Edith Cowan University, in Joondalup. She says one of the factors behind the shift in attitude towards discipline is a growing realisation of the negative effects.
"People are becoming more and more aware that if you beat up on your kids, whether you call it smacking or whatever, there are long-term negative consequences," she says.
Michael Grose, one of Australia's foremost parenting educators and the author of several books on child-rearing, agrees. But he adds that this doesn't mean children shouldn't be disciplined.
"As soon as people hear the world discipline, they go straight to smacking," he says. Mr Grose says discipline encompasses many other methods. "It's not about smacking. It's about a whole range of strategies."
But is physical force with children ever justified? Is an occasional smack on the bottom of a mid-tantrum child a normal part of child-rearing, or parenting gone wrong?
"For many parents a smack works really effectively in the short term," explains Professor Sims. "Nine times out of 10 it stops the child momentarily. And if you're a parent who's highly stressed, it works. It's a quick fix which gets you to survive this minute."
Mr Grose agrees. "It's often done in anger, or retaliation, or frustration. But I've spoken with many parents who wouldn't dream of doing it when they're calm. They only do it in the heat of the moment."
The ACF/Monash study also showed there has been a significant move away from physical punishment, which follows a European trend. Starting with Sweden in 1979, a number of European countries have outlawed physical punishment, and in 2002, Britain banned physical punishment of children under the age of three.
In Australia, The Royal Australasian College of Physicians states in its Paediatric Policy: "The Paediatrics and Child Health Division believes that the use of force, either physical force and/or psychological threats, is an ineffective and unhelpful method of punishment and discipline of children."
Alison Garton, Professor of Psychology at Edith Cowan University and a developmental psychologist, agrees. She says physical punishment can be harmful in the long term - and can even lead to child abuse.
"I think parents sometimes don't realise how strong they are," she says. "For example, when a mild slap doesn't work, they may escalate that to the next level and so on. Any punishment which results in injury, or even tissue damage to a child, is regarded as child abuse."
Professor Garton also says that there are many potential negative consequences for adults who were physically disciplined as children, including long-term antisocial behaviour, anxiety, depression, and even alcohol and drug abuse.
One of the keys to learning how to deal with kids effectively lies in understanding the reasons they misbehave. Mr Grose says that, more often than not, children are just seeking attention.
"If they can't get positive attention from their parents, then negative attention will do," he explains. "Some kids like to be in control. And kids like to get their own back on their parents."
According to Professor Sims, children are sometimes reacting to their environment. "If dad's at work all day, and mum's at home and unhappy or not coping well, the kid picks up on that," she explains.
"He misbehaves, the mum deals with it ineffectively, and that sparks more misbehaviour, and then more ineffective parenting. You get a spiral that goes on and on."
Mr Grose says parents shouldn't be afraid to ask for advice, and points to the popularity of the television program Supernanny and the hugely successful Positive Parenting Program as evidence that parents are looking for help.
The Positive Parenting Program, known as Triple P, is an internationally acclaimed program founded by Matthew Sanders, a professor of clinical psychology and Director of the Parenting and Family Support Centre at the University of Queensland.
Triple P helps parents understand the way families work, and suggests changes that can make family life more harmonious. It teaches parents how to deal positively, consistently and decisively with problem behaviour, how to build positive relationships with their children, and to take care of themselves as parents.
Mr Grose says there are numerous strategies that parents can use to discipline children without smacking. These include teaching children mutual respect, setting limits and boundaries to teach appropriate behaviour, establishing routines instead of rules, and recognising good behaviour.
"You also need to teach a child how their actions affect others," adds Professor Sims. "It's about consequences."
Mr Grose agrees. "Discipline used to be based on severity, but nowadays it's based more on what I call the consistency principle" he explains. "That means getting parents to deal with little misbehaviours and not letting them grow into more serious behaviour issues. It also means parents following through, and allowing children to experience a consequence - not a punishment - when they misbehave."
Parents also need to be able to moderate their own behaviour, another area in which specific strategies can be helpful. "A good one is counting to 10, and when you're desperate, walking away," says Professor Sims. "Go outside, scream, do whatever you have to, but regain control and deal with things when you're calm."
As for Australia following Europe's lead and outlawing physical punishment, Mr Grose doesn't believe it will happen. He says physical punishment is often used when a parent is not aware of other ways to manage their child's behaviour and that the best way of avoiding its use is to educate parents.
"It all boils down to a lack of parental skills and a perceived lack of alternatives. But there are lots of alternatives, and parents just need to realise and be shown that."
What the families say ...
The Shaws
Kimberley Shaw, 35, and her husband Martin, 38, of Bickley, have three daughters, Madeleine, aged nine, Elisabeth, seven, and Stephanie, four.
"We always try to avoid smacking our children, but when we have smacked one of them, it has usually been because they have put themselves or one of their sisters in danger. Innately, perhaps, you feel some kind of primordial urge to act like a mother or a father bear and smack them, because they haven't received what should have been the natural consequence.
"We like to do things as a family, and while everyone can disagree occasionally, we usually agree when it comes to discipline. We also try to use appropriate ‘consequences' for their actions or inaction, instead of punishment. For example, toys or other things not put away are confiscated, and the girls know that if they don't feed their rabbits we will advertise them in the classifieds.
"They like to be rewarded for good behaviour, though, by helping to cook something they like, or playing board games as a family. The threat of missing out on these can be a powerful motivator."
The Burnheims
Kylie Burnheim, 34 and her partner Royston Fryer, 41, are HBF members from Kalamunda. Kylie has three children from a previous marriage, Marcus, aged 11, Liam, five, and Jordan, four.
"As a member of the National Association for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect, I stand by the philosophy of creating a nurturing home for my children," says Kylie. "The one illusion I don't want to give is that it's easy. I have been a single mum for three years, and now trying to blend a family brings a new set of challenges.
"In general, though, I do not believe in smacking and only use it in an emergency, if safety is an issue. Neither Royston nor I think it works as a regular discipline, but slight smacks on the hand for a very young child can be a suitable way to enforce an issue, as communication skills are limited.
"I have always considered myself a firm parent regarding discipline. The children have always had a ‘count to three' rule, where if I get to three before they've done what's being asked they receive a punishment. The most difficult task is maintaining that rule and the same discipline when they are with their father, which is only about 10% of the year."
The DeCulls
Melanie DeCull, 34, is an entertainment promoter from Darlington. She is a single mother to her three children, Cassidy, aged nine, Austin, seven, and Roenan, five.
"I used to smack a lot more than I do now, but I think there are still some instances when smacking is alright, such as if one of my kids continually repeats the misbehaviour. And smacking isn't a good ‘hiding', it's just a smack to the bottom or the hand. I have regretted smacking my kids at times, though, as their reaction can speak a thousand words and I feel worse than I did in the first place.
"My kids were very young when my ex-partner and I separated and it was a tough time for us all. But I attended a Triple P program, which was a wonderful eye-opener. I'd recommend it to any parent. Now I try to communicate with them at their level, and praise good behaviour. If they disobey we use ‘time-out'. If that isn't working, special treats like ice-cream or Playstation won't be allowed.
"The kids see their father and extended family every second weekend. When they come home it takes a couple of days for them to get back into their normal behaviour and routine. I find that part hard. At the end of the day I realise I have three very wonderful children and a day doesn't go past without us all saying I love you."
For More Information
Further Reading
- XYZ: The New Rules Of Generational Warfare by Michael Grose (Random House, RRP $24.95)
- Why Won't My Child Listen? by Janet Cater, Myra Grisdale and Michael Morton-Evans (Simon & Schuster, RRP $24.95)
- Parenting For Character by Andrew Mullins (Finch Publishing, RRP $24.95)
Written by Joanna Hall for the HBF member magazine Everyday.
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(December 2006) (
