Are you being abused?

First of all, I want to make a point by saying this that I don't want people to assume they are being abused simply because their partner is having a bad day and says something nasty.  That said, I know that it took me a number of years to work

• Pushing & shoving - Pushing and shoving is violence.  Especially if they push you into an object such as a wall or table. 
• Hitting - I was never hit in the face, or hard enough to be hospitalised.  So I didn't recognise it as something wrong.  This was made worse by the fact that I had been abused as a child by my parents and I didn't know that was wrong either.  So when my ex did similar stuff, I didn't twig to how wrong it really was.
• Blaming  - My ex used to tell me that, because I'd start the argument or push him first, that I deserved it when he went too far.  I found myself saying "I know he hit me, but I deserved it".  It seemed so different when I was in it from looking from the outside. 
• Playing the victim - My ex was always bringing up his own pain and hurt.  While there's nothing wrong with being honest about your faults and flaws, there is something wrong with doing it in order to illicit a response from someone else.  When someone does not move on and deal with their problems, and instead expects you to tiptoe around them and to always put their issues first, then there is a problem.  Relationships should always be give and take.  One partner should not be doing all the taking.
• Not taking responsibility for their actions - This goes hand-in-hand with blaming and playing the victim.  My ex would never admit fault and therefore would never be sorry.  It makes a bad situation even worse and made it easier for me to blame myself for his actions because that's the kind of stuff he was filling my head with .
• Manipulating - This is probably the hardest one of all to recognise because it is so subtle.  Plus, when your self esteem has been completely undermined, you tend to believe what the other person says.   This goes hand-in-hand with your partner "playing the victim".  Manipulation can come in any number of forms but it boils down to someone else trying to make you act or feel a certain way, rather than presenting you the facts about their feelings or actions and letting you feel and behave however you need to.

Now, there are very few perfect people in the world, and most people will exhibit most of this characteristics at some point in their relationship.  If you or your partner recognise that you're doing this, talk to each other.  Don't let it lie, because these behaviours can kill a relationship if left unchecked.

If you recognise that there is a great deal of these behaviours, or if your partner won't talk about it, or if there is physical violence, don't put up with it.  If the relationship is worth it, it can survive a separation.  And you need to survive with yourself and your self esteem intact for your and your kids sake.  Don't let your kids grow up thinking that these behaviours are okay.  That's the sort of thing that perpetuates a circle of abuse in the next generation.

If you recognise that you are exhibiting these behaviours yourself, get help.  Talk to a counsellor and work through your issues.  Again, you owe it to yourself, your partner and your kids not to let them think this behaviour is okay.  Break the cycle and teach them how to have healthy relationships.