Loneliness and Depression

I married  when I was 18 years old, I came from strict parents (although incredibly loving) and so I didn't notice the transformation of doing what my parents said to doing what my husband said.
We were married for 23 years and I really don't know when I knew things were wrong. I do know that because of my Christian beliefs I thought  a divorce was not possible so just accepted what was happening. But I do know that about 10 years ago he wanted me to work with him in the business and I knew that would be being with him 24/7 and I could not cope with that, instead I decided to get pregnant, don't get me wrong, not for one second was my youngest not wanted he is as loved and cherished as the other 3 but I am saying my motivation to have another child was so I did not have to be with my husband all day. A couple of years later, he decided to make a go of the business by opening  up North of England, I was going to stay in family home with the kids down South, he was planning on being away 1 day a week and I felt such relief!!!!

This continued for 6 years but as he was away, I began to see things weren't right, I would be in trouble for changing a light bulb because it was making me too independent! I used to argue do you want us sitting in darkness but he kept on saying he should never be away. He became a volunteer for St John Ambulance and soon he would work away all week but then choose to do volunteer duty when he was home, I quickly became no more than his laundry woman and his kept woman (well that is what he said I was!) he would buy me things and expect me to show my gratitude in other ways!

He soon realised I was not a willing partner so used to invite me to the bedroom for what he called "hatemaking" he knew I hated that I asked him not to and he kept saying it. Also as I was volunteering at the local school that our youngest boys attend. He decided i must be having an affair with one of the male teachers!!! Good grief, I was having enough trouble with one man why would I want two!! Eventually I stopped at the school to stop the arguments.

Things came to a head Jan 2006 when my parents could see I had lost drastic weight, i was throwing up about 8 times a day, was refusing to sleep and crying all the time, my dad once saw him grab me by the shoulders and shove me against a wall, but my ex conveniently does not remember this. Instead tells everyone I put my dad up to saying this!!

My parents said they were taking over as my health needed looking at, they took me to the doctors where I was diagnosed with severe depression and a reflux digestion problem. My ex then spent time telling everyone I had had a breakdown and was bulaemic, of course I looked a state so everyone believed him. For a further 9 weeks I stuck our marriage out and felt I was married to Jekyll and Hyde if there was company I would be safe and he would be sweet and gentle, but if alone he would harrass me until I was a hysterical mess again. I would wake most mornings to a cup of tea and an apology yet within a few hours it would start all over again.

Once my parents came round just as I was on the carpet screaming cos he was telling me how much he needed sex, he even made them feel sorry for him until they realised what the problem was and were disgusted. I then contemplated suicide, he had convinced me that I was useless, worthless so I decided I was putting everyone through so much pain it would be better if I wasn't around. He kept offering to take me to the local psychiatric hospital convincing me that I was mad. My best mate from Australia (more like a sister than a mate) had to come over out of the blue as her dad was dying, she quickly saw what was going on and before long we were separated and I moved in with my parents every weekend so he could spend time with the boys.

Anyway thats the history. I now know I am not a bad person just had a terrible time with a bad person. he has done such a good job here where I live blackening my name tho that I never go out unless it is to my Mum and Dads house or to work, I am afraid of all men and I am scared stiff of meeting anyone i know in the street. People believe him and I just can't figure it out, that really hurts, what did people see in me to make them think I was capable of hurting him the way he has told the story and they believe it.

My family and I are living for the day when the truth comes out.

Loneliness is an awful thing, I used to have so many friends that I couldn't imagine ever being lonely. Now I know it is worse than a physical pain as it makes you think you have nothing to offer anyone and all the people you know pity you.

It requires such an effort to do anything, you feel you have nothing to contribute to life so best keep out of everyones way.

Your own insecurities and failings about yourself are highlighted it feels like you are walking around with 'Loser' tattooed on your forehead.

A simple act of kindness can make you cry or even be short with someone and you look ungrateful.

My advice to anyone who recognises these feelings are

Never Give Up

Dig deep and give  yourself little tasks to do on a regular basis - For instance My parents were really proud of me yesterday, as I rang a friend who I have not seen for a long time. I was so scared of being rejected but it was lovely and we had lunch together. If you can't talk to someone then text or email someone you have not seen lately, if you get a positive response then you will feel great but if you don't celebrate the fact that you need not worry about their friendship again as they were not a friend in the first place, so any questions you had about that person are now irrelevant.

Make a list of things you have done in the day read them back and you will soon see that yes the family would indeed suffer if you were not around.

Smile at people Even if you feel like dying inside or crying, a Smile is very infectious. And how great will you feel if even one person smiles back at you.

Treat yourself So you have no friends (or so you feel) to spoil you, treat yourself, a bar of chocolate, a long soak in a perfumed bath. Makes you feel valued.

Cos if one day you believe you are worth it then others will think so too.

So to all us lonely people out there, lets show the world what sort of people they are missing out on knowing, lets be true to ourselves and keep on going.