Dancing With The Devil

This article is to help any-one who thinks alcohol is an acceptable drug........WRONG-This substance is one of the most sneaky insidious drugs I know.It can single handedly wipe out families friendships and careers.Many people have different bench marks when describing alcoholism and when you are an alcoholic.For me I liked the odd drink and I was introduced to spirits(rum)at 12 I used to have a drink or two with Dad a couple of times a week and over the weekend,they were weak ones and it gave me a sense of closeness previously not experienced with my Dad.I was not tempted to imbibe alcohol with friends or sneak it to school as I  had access to it with my Dad.

How ever my parents moved cities without telling me whilst I was in boarding school.It was easter and I tried ringing home,the phone had been disconected all parents friends were away,my Dads private business number was not answering nor his office numbers.I was sure they had deserted me,finally I thought they had decided I was too ugly for them to keep in our family of good lookers.The stress I was under led me to a binge drinking habit,this led to a period of many years of dancing with this particular devil and sleeping with him as a mind numbing crutch to bandaid an abusive marriage.My ex Husband was an alcoholic I believe as was his Father.TO give credit due My now deceased  ex Father in-law was sober for the last 12 years of his life and all his children forgave his obnoxious damaging behaviour from the past.This man however died before his time due to alcohol related diseases .I lost one of my top jobs due to an after work altercation with a managers drunk husband,I was drunk myself had I been sober I would've handled the situation differently.My bi-polar disorder and medication enhances the effects of alcohol so I have done a lot of pretty wild and not so wonderful things in my past(one day when the auto mated reporter is on the blink I might share LOL ) Seriously though I have done a lot I am ashamed of.The foremost is neglecting to give my Son a normal example of what a Mother is.My Son at 12 used to get home from school 15 minutes before me,When I got home I flopped on the chair and he had a perfectly mixed drink already on my side table,I would then continue to drink myself drunk so I could endure his Father.My Son used to cook dinner for all of us quite a lot,I think that is not so bad under different circumstances but in mine it adds to my guilt.I never abused my son in any form,he and I were very close at that stage however I was not the best parent I could be for him and I cannot turn back time.I chose to get out of that abusive marriage and clean up my life.

I had a few pitfalls along the way but I was lucky enough to escape the clutches of this nefarious master realitively easy.Once I took myself away from the situation that made me so vunerable to substance abuse I seemed to be able to kick the habit to the curb.I had no friends or family to help me I was basically on my own,I formed a relationship with my current husband and poured my strength into helping him over come his weed addiction,this in hindsight helped me overcome my addiction anyway.I really did not think of myself as an alcoholic....I didn't roll around and sleep in a gutter(well not on a regular basis LOL) I worked,I looked after my child and I did not abuse any one verbally or physically.Guess what I was an alcoholic,know something else.....I am a recovering alcoholic.I wont lie I do still have the occasional drink but I don't do this often and I am always concious that alcohol is my weakness.I can honestly say I do not have an urge to drink alcohol each day however if I am upset I want to reach for that bottle straight away.

This is when I will not allow myself to drink or even sniff the stuff.I hear so much grief given to drug using parents,but most people don't lump alcoholics into this category especially women.I think we are all tarred with the same brush honestly.I hope if there is any addicted person reading this they will get all the relevant help for their addiction,if you are a parent you owe it to your children to pull your act together and clean yourself up.Before you either lose your family or die from any drug related side effects.There are a multitude of organizations that can help.you can get a tremendous  help from center care,alanon/alateen  and any similar organizations Most of all you can delve deep into your spirit and get the strength from you all you need is to look and will find it.For me an alcoholic is some-one who either lives day to day or week to week for the taste,smell and effects of alcohol.Some-one who thinks about drink all the time and no matter what they are thinking will always turn the thoughts back to grog. You have to want  to stop for yourself though,you can use family and children for incentives but deep down you have to want to stop.I hope this will help some other alcoholics reach out and get help for their addiction,because life really is better sober.Regards Merle