Change overs for access... What we did to make them easier.

You meet a guy/girl fall in love and have kids....... Perfect you say well not always.......Sometime life has this way of dealing us a dud hand so to speak and marriages do break up....... Unfortunately sometimes kids are involved........ You hear after break ups all the time that when we had changeover she said this and he said that......and she said if I did this then I couldn't have the kids etc...... Unfortunately the kids get caught up in all this as I will soon explain

My experience

Okay as most people on Minti know I have custody of my foster sisters kids. But this was not always the case. While we going through court we had to have change overs for access with the other side. After each access I would get another letter from her solicitor saying if I did this again or I did that again I would be in trouble....Etc I was doing nothing wrong. One time I went to her place to pick up Shy for access and her boyfriend at the time refused me access. Shy jumped behind him and got in the car. Well it was on, there was a big fight right in front of the kids well him yelling and absusing me really. I told him  to take his hands off Shy as he tried to drag her out of the car while  she was screaming to me please Aunty Angie I want to go with you.... I turned to my foster sister after telling him if he did not get out of my car I would call the police and sternly said to her call him off now he is scaring the kids. I then got into the car as he yelled across the yard to me and reversed out the driveway. He then jumped in their car chased me down the road with 7 screaming kids in the car overtook me and pulled the car across the road blocking me off got out and walked towards the car with a tyre wrench in his hand I picked up a not working mobile phone and pretended to call the police to which he got in the car and took off..... scary as it was this all could have been avoided...... This incident went into letter from my solicitor to theirs this is a few statements from that letter.

"After many untrue statements made about our clients we feel it would be in the best interest of the children if change overs were moved to an appropriate place which is neutral. being the police station or the local change over centre" this was something that the mother had not wanted to do. the next line read. "Our clients would also like to advice your client that they will also be carrying a portable tape recorder and taping all change overs so there can be no more misunderstandings in anything that is said or done." then a bit more of the untrue things that had been said and it went on to say " We also believe after what you call the alledged incident with the car and her boyfriend that it is also not in your clients best interest to have him with her at change overs and wish this to be agreed upon"

After that at the next change over which was John and Tiana to go to their mothers she turned up at the police station and walked over to me and the kids she went to say somthing and the words from my mouth were before you say anything I jsut want to tell you I am taping this change over okay" I always made sure I got that line on the tape recorder something to do with legalities. She would then say nothing in front of the kids and this even though it made her angry and nasty to me was better for the kids. Which is what we are all aiming for isnt it?

I suggest to anyone who has had a bad breakup or has a bad relationship with their ex to do change over for access in a public place like a police station or change over centre or something like that. If things are still in court and you are being accused of saying things that were not said or you are being belittled in front of the kids use a tape recorder and tell them so. You will find that the thought of some else having proof of them on a tape recorder will calm them down completely. Always even though you have it taped go home and write in a diary about what happened at change over. The tape recording can be jsut proof of what was said if it is denied.

Lastly kids know that there is a reason their parents broke up or in my case the reason why they were living with me. They do not need to be constantly reminded of it. They usually love all parties involved and in the back of their minds want you to get along. Kids should be worrying about what game they will be playing at school the next day or what they are having for dinner not if they are going to witness another big fight between people they love..........These are jsut a few tips we tried and worked for change overs for us. I hope this has helped someone who might be having a few problems in this area.

Have a great day
cheers
Angie