SUICIDE ...

This may offend some people,however I think it is important for parents  and family to know some of the thoughts behind suicide.......I have tried to do this on 4 occasions through-out my life.My first attempt was when I was 17,I had been taken advantage of at work(I had the apprentice ship board behind me)My Father had as a result forcibly taken me to their farm and beaten me black and blue.I had no idea at the time I had bipolar,I knew I had something wrong.I ended up having a nervous break down,ALL I wanted was for the pain to go away for me in my mind there was no way out except for suicide.I was an absolute mess,at this age I did not think of my parents or family all I wanted was out.I thought of all the different ways I could do this,I chose pills I made sure I cleaned the house and cleaned my room and cooked dinner while every-one was down in the dairy.After I was sure no-one could whinge about me I took the pills,I don't remember anything else until the next morning.I awoke thinking OOOHHH nooo I am still here......I cursed and swore and then broke down and cried and cried.I don't know why I wasn't taken to hospital I do remember being taken to the doctor(another friend of my Fathers)She told Mum she would not report the attempt as long as I received counselling this never occurred in the end at 17& 1/2 I left home and wound up in an abusive marriage..........Through out this marriage I attempted suicide another 3 times all by pills.I really can't explain my surviving as I was never admitted to hospital I was near death a few times I believe and in a lot of pain,I was never just looking for attention but these attempts all 3 I truly thought every-one would be better off with-out me I never once thought they'd  miss me even my son I figured would be better off if I was gone.....People feel suicide is begot from selfishness I don't agree,I think it in itself is selfish but the thoughts behind it can be from a whole different act.Without a thought of selfishness,My brother did succeed in his attempt and this was 12 years ago.I am not over this I morn him and cry nearly on a daily basis you see he was more like my son to me.He was 19 and he left letters explaining why he did this tragic thing.I thank him for that.He and his girlfriend broke up and she was playing mind games with him,no she did not pull the trigger but she was the catalyst that pushed Jason over the edge.I have heard in the past people comment on the trivial incident that caused a suicide..........look deeper there is more to it.The things to watch are people suddenly putting things in order,tying up loose ends,giving away possessions going from morbid down behaviour to happy and affectionate.Some people will actually become the antithesis of themselves eg ; a normally responsible spender could become a shopperholic,and vice verser.Teen boys seem to be the most tragic group,they don't seem to be able to reach out for help and society is a bit blind in detecting any problems although this is changing thank goodness.As a parent of a teen I would look for any of the above signs as well as any strange injuries(self inflicted,cutting)Keep your finger on the pulse with friends and school,there are warning signs if you are on the look out for them.As an adult who has contemplated  tried suicide and been a loved one of someone who has succeeded I feel that I have been on all sides of the fence in regard to this subject.I cant say it doesn't cross my mind still especially given my battle with bipolar,however after being put through the hell of my Brother's suicide I will never take my own life.......I would not do this to my little girl or my husband.Our teens do not have the benefit of lifes lessons though and hormones or disorders such as depression or bipolar can in effect cloud their already confused state this is why we the sheppards of this troubled lot of teens need to be as vigilant as we can be.I hope this will help parents have a bit better understanding of this tragic subject that breaks our hearts regards merle