I Tried But It Just Didn't Work: What to Do When Things Don't Go as Planned

We're living in an age where the latest scientific research on nutrition, development and a host of other topics is just a click away.   But just because the scientific record is established on what is optimal for mom and baby doesn't mean that women have the support they always need to make those things happen.  Take breastfeeding for instance.  The overwhelming body of evidence indicates that breastmilk is the optimal food for babies, and that babies should be nursed exclusively for six months and not weaned until one year of age whenever possible.   This is an internationally recognized health standard that is not adopted by the large majority of women in the industrial world.  The reasons are as varied as the women themselves.  We can cast blame and judge (most) women parenting in the world today or we can open up the discussion wider to reveal that our support infrastructure both at home and at work often fails to address the needs of women in their child-bearing years. 

The truth is that parenting success in many arenas is determined by the community of support and resources available to mothers.  Because of this, many women who would like to adopt optimal practices simply cannot.  What can we do as parents when our best intentions aren't coming together the way we planned?

• Call in Professional Help.  As a doula, I meet women all the time who fear they cannot breastfeed when many of the problems they face could be readily addressed by the right support and instruction.  Not all women have the means and resources to do so, but whenever possible, don't hesitate to call in the specialists--even when you think you are beyond hope.  Most women can make breastfeeding work with the right people around them.  If your budget doesn't allow for professional services, consider the wise counsel of an older aunt or grandmother who nursed many children in her day.  In either case, be prepared to follow instructions and hunker down for the duration.  In many cases it can take weeks or even a month or two for nursing and supply issues to be resolved.
  
• Jump back on board by adopting best practices as soon as you are informed.  Sometimes the latest and greatest advice hasn't found it's way to your circle.  I find this is often the case in my situation. No worries.  As soon as you become aware of health or safety measures, you can begin implementing them immediately.  I meet moms who have never heard that it's unsafe to let their newborns sleep on their tummies.  Even if this is a tried and true habit at your house, it's never too late to get back on track.  I am constantly learning from the women around me about what's important in car seat safety, nutrition and medical care.
  
• Try longer than you planned.  Some best health practices require time and patience for good habits to be established.  I have never been diligent about making sure my children brush their teeth regularly or thoroughly.  This year, I have to go back to the drawing board and try again to get them focused on proper hygiene.  It's tempting to give up--especially when they object so strenuously--but I know I need to stick with this, even if establishing good habits takes longer than I planned.  The same is true for getting a proper latch in breastfeeding or establishing a strong supply.  Give yourself more time than you think you need to see if things come together.
  
• Accept your circumstances.  Sometimes your situation is such that you simply cannot follow through on what the academics call "best" for you or your child.   Maybe your support network is not in place or someone close to you is opposing you strongly, adding more discouragement than you can bear.  Maybe the road back to optimal conditions is longer than your will or mental health can take right now in light of discomfort, pain, sleeplessness or depression.  In these situations, sometimes the wisest thing to do is to cut your losses and move on to plan B.  I think we all as parents find ourselves in this spot sooner or later.  Life isn't perfect and sometimes accepting our limitations is the first step to future parenting success.
  
• Express any sadness or regret you may be holding.  With billboards on every corner, showing plump babies and serene mothers, it's hard not to feel like a failure when the "best" way turned out to be the furthest thing from your personal experience.    I felt this disappointment after an unplanned c-section.  Choosing to be sad instead of defensive when other moms reported their blissful natural births was an ongoing process for me that took more than a few months.  In the end, I think expressing our regret along with revealing our original hopes and dreams lets the people around us know how to respond to us with gentleness and respect.
  
• Don't let your experience discourage you from adopting best practices in other areas.  You can say forget all that good advice and start pumping your kids full of sugar cereal or you can get back on the wagon and try, try again.  This is one of my key mantras in parenting:  I may not be able to attain all my goals for excellent parenting everyday, but I can wake up the next morning and give it my best shot.  Our kids need us to continue to develop and grow as adults so we can offer them our most mature souls.  It's worth it to keep trying, even when we fall short of our ultimate ideals.
  
• Do your part to promote maternal and infant health.   It's tempting to ease our own guilt or regret, by minimizing the importance of certain health initiatives.  You can decide it doesn't matter or be a part of moving things forward by telling other young women what you know to be true.  Believe it or not, basic maternal and infant health practices are not the norm yet--even in the most advanced parts of the world.  By four months of age, less than 20% of infants are breastfed exclusively in the industrial world even though this is the World Health standard.   The percentage of women who nurse until year one is in the single digits,  Until we're in a situation where optimal practices are practiced by the majority, we need all the help we can get to make sure the word is out.  No matter what your personal experience, you can make a positive contribution to public health by distributing medically accurate information about the importance of breastfeeding.
  
• Tell your story.  Some of my best parenting stories are the ones where I took all the wrong turns, defied all the best practices and landed myself in a heap of trouble.  By being transparent--especially about choices I made during birth--I can help other women avoid my pitfalls.  On the parenting points where my choices had negative impact, I can reassure friends and families that it's possible to come back from less than ideal parenting moments and that my kids aren't worse for the wear.  Chances are you are going to have a lot more positive stories than not, so everytime you tell on yourself, you create more space for other women to regard you as a success story--someone who persevered to a better place.  This is so much more productive than nay-saying the honest efforts of others.