Every parent would like to be their child’s best friend. Every parent wants a relationship with their child where they hear, my mum or dad is my best mate. Fact is, this does not always work and there are times when this should be the least of your concerns.
Parents need to be parents first and friends last.
I hear so often the complaints from generations past and those just arrived that kids today do not have respect. Not like they used to and I agree to a point. I often look ahead and see the teenagers running amuck, swearing and carrying on in public. Carrying on in such a way I would not have thought of doing when I was their age. I am sometimes flawed by the total disrespect some youth show to those around them…but I’m not surprised.
Somewhere down the track of past and present parenting a generation changed the table setting of parental etiquette. Children were brought up as mates, as best friends. With the hope to better understand them, be closer to them and to be liked and loved in all aspects of a relationship. This faces one big problem. Not all children are capable of having their parent as their best friend and not all parents are capable of being both.
There is such a fine line between the two that it is often confused. How can some expect their children to have respect for them as parents when the focus is placed on friendship? I hear the way my children talk to their friends; I don’t want them talking like that to me. I’m not their dude, their man or their dog…I’m mum thank you!
I’m a big on respect in my house and I believe that you are not just given in it, you earn it and parents are no exception.
I have brought my children up understanding that although I am mum, they can talk to me whenever, wherever and about whoever they want. I have brought them up knowing that I will be the best friend they will ever have. I have brought them up understanding my role as a mother first and friend last and for the most, they have respected this and this has worked for me and my children.
I have also recently seen what happens when you put friendship first and parenting last with your children. My stepson who is 12 has just recently moved to live with his mother. Something I whole heartedly supported and something I whole heartedly now regret. Their relationship is based on the friend first basis and in my opinion, is failing badly. There is no respect, there are not set boundaries and this is all for what, friendship?
I see the difference between the ways I am spoken to, to the way my stepson speaks to his mother and so does she. A recent visit sparked the question, ‘How come you talk to Lavinia like that and not me?’ his answer ‘I dunno, I just don’t’
Parenting is about balance and understanding that not all two families are the same. When you hear someone say, ‘My children and I talk about everything’ or ‘My kids don’t keep anything from me’ and you sit there and wish that you too could have that same relationship, remember one important thing, most children do not discuss everything with their parents. It doesn’t matter how close you are. There are just some things kids will not talk about with Mum and Dad.
So many parents, in their strive to be the ‘best’, end up competing with others over who is a better parent, who has a closer relationship and who makes the better parenting decisions. It becomes a game of popularity and that’s when the focus has taken a wrong turn; as soon as it becomes a role of competition and the focus is no longer on the children but instead the parental ego.
We as parents already have so many roles. We already have the role as a friend; it’s just built in along with the role as mum and dad. It’s a package deal. Learning the balance between the roles is the key. Some kids need to see more of one role than another, some kids need that little extra discipline and some parents may never experience both, just as some parents may not be able to. There are also families which never experience ‘mate-ship’ with their children until later on in life, when their kids reach adulthood.
These are all personal choices. What works for one does not necessarily work for another and we can’t afford to turn this into a competition of who likes who better.
One fact remains…We should be Parents first and Friends last. There will be a time enough when you can be both and this is something that shouldn’t forced or rushed as kids need their parents above everything.
(January 2007) (
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