I first married in my thirties. Before that I had been entirely, utterly, luxuriently independent. Having left home at 16, I had spent a grand 15 years living mostly alone, sometimes with others, but always to the beat of my own drum. When I left my parent's home I
was quite adept at heating up food from a can or boiling up two-minute noodles. By the time I got married I was still quite good at heating up canned food, boiling noodles and I had added scrambled eggs on toast and pasta primavera to my repertoire. And that was pretty much it! So long as I had fresh coffee in the house and a trusty bottle of vodka in my freezer, I considered myself quite well catered for.
Clearly, when I had a family of my own, this had to change.
But where to begin? I found one of the biggest challenge of marriage and motherhood turned out to be, what I have chosen to call, the "homemaking journey".
What is homemaking?
A wise Rabbi once said "Homemaking means determining the atmosphere of the house, defining its rhythms, its basic thrust and character." He went on to say that homemaking "is a challenge that every individual must face personally." (Rabbi Menachem M Schneerson in his book "A Partner in the Dynamic of Creation".) I came across this quote on the internet when researching what exactly homemaking was. I knew that it was not housekeeping or cooking or even a combination of both. And yet, these activities were a necessary part of homemaking. I knew that homemaking meant a lot more than how you run your house, but I wasn't exactly sure what the parameters were. That's why I liked this quote. Homemaking is about the essence or nature of your home. It is a verb - a doing word - and it is an activity that never reaches completion. Homemaking is a work in progress - a living sculpture that resides in the gallery that is your house. And the best part is, it is you who gets to decide what the essence of your home is. Well, you and all of the other inhabitants!
When I first started thinking about homemaking I was turned off by the internet sites on the subject. Homemaking was often connected to femininity or christianity - neither of these really best describe me or what I am about. Homemaking to me is universal - it applies to any person who works to determine the nature of their home - either consciously or accidentally - and it involves any person who lives in a house (man, woman or child) and has very little to do with godliness. So I turned away from the internet and decided I would go on this journey on my own, unaided, but with a distinct purpose - and that was how to determine the nature of my own home.
I would like to share how I did that with Minti readers. Of course, it won't fit in the one advice but for starters (and this is exactly how I started) you can do the following exercise:
Sit down with a pad and paper and describe your home. Start with a physical description (because that is easiest). How many rooms does your house have? How is the space set out? What kind of outdoor area do you have? What style of kitchen do you have. Describe your house as if you were an alien who has landed in a foreign place. And be honest. What is important is not what your house looks like ideally but what it looks like actually.
Next, write down what feeling you get when you walk into your house. Then write down what feeling you think other people get when they walk into your house. (You can even ask people if you want - you would be surprised at the answers you get). This is about determining what the atmosphere of the house is.
Then write down what is unique about your house - what seperates your house from everybody elses. What makes your house uniquely yours. You might have a long list. Or, it might just be a picture that hangs in the hallway that says "my house".
Lastly, (and this has to be done last) make a list of the things that you wouldn't change for the world about your house and the things that you wish were different. Remember, this journey is about creation. You may already have arrived at your homemaking destination, in which case, these activities won't mean much. But a lot of us have an idea about what our home is or should be and the two don't necessarily gel.
What you should end up with is a realistic view of what your home is like from an insider's and an outsider's perspective as well as what your vision is for your home (at least as far as it relates to the surroundings and atmosphere - a small, but important part of what makes a home).
Now you have a vision. A dream. Next we need to address what steps we can take to realise it.
(January 2007) (
