Don't always take the other kids word for it - Listen & Observe Whats Going On

Don’t you just get sick & tired of snivelling kid’s dobbing each other in for EVERY little thing they do wrong?

Having an autistic grandchild this seems to be happening a lot more frequently lately when he comes to visit…& usually it’s not his fault.

I know, your probably thinking how can I be sure… I mean don’t most people think their kids are perfect & everyone else’s are the naughty ones. I guarantee you, 10 minutes after we let him outside to play with the other kids in the block a knock comes at the door & there are these 2 kids (usually the same pair) ‘…? did this… ‘ ‘…? did that…’ For goodness sake I think, just go away & play – stop being so much of a dobber!  I mean its getting so he’s not even out the front door & they are there complaining.

His mum & I used to listen to the kids & because our little guy can exhibit some very challenging behaviour at times, used to bring him inside immediately… telling him he couldn’t go out again until he learnt not to do such & such – in which case how will he ever learn proper social skills? Or at other times would actually scold him in front of these 2 little darlings. Funnily enough, when they aren’t together, they always want our lad to play & never seem to have any problems with him then.

Anyhow just lately it’s been getting worse & his mum decided she didn’t want him out there any more, so has tried to keep him occupied indoors when they visit me. Being School holidays they are here quite a lot so he is getting so lonely & really doesn’t understand why he can’t go outside when he’s here.

Now I need to explain that our wee lad is very easily encouraged to do the wrong thing as he desperately wants to be accepted. He copies other children’s behaviour thinking this is appropriate – eg child picks up a rock & throws it, he will imitate exactly, including the direction the rock is thrown… if a child says do such & such, he will do EXACTLY what he is told (including showing his bottom to the girls, etc) … He seems to have no idea of consequences & when you talk to him about some inappropriate behaviour the lights can be on but sometimes no-one is at home…No, I’m not saying he is mentally challenged, what I am saying is that he literally can’t comprehend what, when, where, why, we are talking about – ‘No Comprehendo!’

The area where we allow him to play is a common area directly in front of my unit & thankfully there is room for a couple of chairs & a table on my veranda. After much thought & discussion with my daughter we have come to have come to the following realisation… The kids might be setting our little guy up deliberately & we are allowing them to. On reflection I KNOW I have seen the other little boy (same age as my grandson) do some pretty naughty stuff himself – like deliberately scratch another neighbours car, break common lights in the driveway,  etc. When approached about bad behaviour he simply denies that he’s done anything & is exceptional in the gift of blame shifting, whereas our little one, silly that he is… admits it… he hasn’t learnt how to lie yet. The other child seems to be the type who agrees with whatever is said by the stronger personality & I think she simply likes seeing other kids get into trouble.

From today I’ve asked my daughter

1. To PLEASE have regular cups of coffee on my veranda & stay out the front for a minimum of an hour each time they visit; this will allow our young ones to socialise while under supervision – without the other children realising that it is what is occurring.
2. If other children come to dob in our lad, not to automatically think he is the one in the wrong. I think we need to ask the other child for more details… like ‘& how many rocks did you throw?’ or ‘Do you always stay in the area your mummy tells you to?’ etc
3. Instead of telling our kids off where other kids can hear… to take them aside quietly & talk to them, so that the other kids don’t have a clue on if they have been punished or not. In the case of pulling his pants down in front of a little girl… it turns out my grandson was encouraged to do so by this other boy, who laughed & then ran straight to his mum to get him in trouble.  Our lad is very body conscious, turns out he only showed his underpants not his bottom. The other boy neglected to tell my daughter that he had done it himself (Bare bum & all) & like most young mums her initial response is one of shock & over-reaction – she was quite verbal & this was the last straw for her before she said no more outside.