STEP MUM...Through My Eyes

This is such a tough and sometimes thankless job,parenting is tough enough let alone trying to fill a paternal parents shoes...........What I have tried to remind myself of in each trialing moment is that the children did not ask to be in my life and as such I need to muster up as much patience as I possibly can.Sometimes step parenting for some is a breeze but for most of us it is a very very difficult road to travel down.I personally think I will never take the role on again.........not because I dislike my step children,I love them but I don't love what they went through.My husband and I have done the best we possibly could have,we have tried to put his children first at every turn.We have faced ridicule,blame and a lot of criticism from their Mother and her Mother,this in turn effected how the children behaved as a whole.

Each parental side have different ways of doing things and running a household including family guidelines.In effect most times children are trying to be two seperate identities,thus trying to please both sides.This can be so debilitating for them and creates so many un-necessary hurdles to cross.Being completely candid and at the risk of attracting criticism I found that our children became masters of manipulation and have not changed even as they have reached adulthood.They use every trick in the book,from badmouthing us to the other side and viceversa to outright lying about different issues.The absolute tragedy of all this is I have watched it happen and have been shot down at every turn from the other side when I have tried to correct the wave.By this I mean providing the tools for both parents to use in trying to balance the children.I know it is very hard for a parent to be objective when their child runs to them and makes some very disturbing statements eg Merle wont feed me properly,she gets all the yummy vegetables and wont give me any......

This is what my step daughter went to Mum with,Gee I was mortified.I had been throwing out uneaten veges off her plate for weeks and I just couldn't stand the waste any longer so I just gave her the basic ones and left it at that.......Her mother involved the solicitor straight away?There was a custody issue happening granted, the daughter wanted to live with Mum but Mum at the time was being the local rodeo saddle and was caught by both kids being ridden on the bonnet of her car...this along with a lot of other poor parenting choices led to us actually being granted full custody of both kids.Both children would run to their Mother when they couldn't get their own way and she would play right into their hands.I wont be dishonest there were times where I did resent them for taking up most of our alone time,times where I got so angry at the money it cost  in legal fees and court costs.

At the end of the day they have taken my heart and thrown it on the ground, jumped up and down  and kicked it away.Those two have done some really dispicable acts that I cant for legal reasons get into. I still welcome them into our home and love them no matter what they do.It is such a weird feeling,on one hand I can do no right in their eyes yet when ever they are in need of advice they come to me??? Dont get me wrong if you think your child is being mistreated by a step parent it is your right and your responsibility to speak up I would just like you to step back and remove any hostile feelings or animosity from the situation so as to look at it objectively.A lot of times young step Mums especially if a new Mum themselves will be a tad clingy with the biological Dad and may subconciously push your children away,just give her some praise(you'll be amazed at how well it works) gently talk to her and say how much your children love the new bub and want to help.My own step children are very jealous of Breanna,I make a concentrated effort to give them alone time with their Dad I think it important .

I have tried so hard to get them to interact with Breanna,she adores them and gets so hurt by them not wanting to come and see her much.Most of the problems lie with their Mum feeling so threatened by me....I have told her time and again that we need to be united in raising their children I don't want to and cant take her place she agrees has her imput we seem to have reached an understanding........next minute I know she is back to her old ways........I have realized things will probably keep going on this way so the best I can do is just sit back and keep picking up the pieces as needed,and making sure Breanna is kept out of the frey.My advice to all step parents and parents is communicate with each other as much as you can with out judgment,try and have similar family guide lines and respect each others differences.

Make an effort to be civil to one another,never ever bad mouth each other.Dont take what kids say as gospel hear both sides you may get a surprise.Remember this is hard for every-one  especially the children,however this does not give the kids a sympathy ticket for bad or disrespectful behaviour.My own step Mother took it upon herself to have my DAD give me a talk on what would happen with his assets when he died,I was outraged that she thought I would a)take anything from my siblings or b)contest Dads will.I had a long think and realized she was really only trying to protect her babies. After much thought I reassured her I would never take any thing from her and the children nor would I disrespect my Dads last wishes.She is a lovely lady and even though I was offended I could see what motivated her actions.There is never just one way of looking at a problem when people's feelings and personalities are involved especially when children are put into the equation.

My aim in writing this piece is to possibly let the paternal Mum and Dad  see that there is a another side to the step parent issue and for the most part we try so hard and do really love your children sometimes wires get crossed and we are not perfect but we to need understanding.Together and united I believe we can raise loving caring and responsible kids,I will never give up with our kids.Take care every-one hugs Mere