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As parents, we ask our children lots of questions. I'm sure it's part of the official parental job description, which is hidden somewhere in one of the many piles of paper throughout my house. We ask things like:
Why did you put your teddy bear in the toilet?
You want peanut butter and what for breakfast?
How was school?
Why does your teacher want to talk to me?
How old is this boy and why is he calling you?
You want to major in what in college?
(The questions change as our kids grow up!)
During my first go-round the parenting block, I heard a speaker suggest parents ask their children one specific question. (I can't remember the speaker's name, but I promise to look for that while I'm looking for the official parental job description document and post it later.) Here's the question:
What do you have to do to make me love you?
Go ahead. Ask your child the question. I dare you.
And be prepared to be surprised.
I talk lots about wanting to love my children unconditionally--but asking that question revealed to me that they heard all the unspoken conditions I had for them.
I don't remember how all three of my children answered, but I do remember that they each had a very clear idea that they had to do certain things to make sure I loved them. I do know my one daughter said, "I have to be good."
Wrong answer.
The good thing about being brave enough to ask the question was that my husband and I got to correct their misconceptions. We changed the question just a little bit to: Do you want to know what you have to do to make me love you?
They sure did!
And then we told them.
Nothing.
You don't have to do a thing to make me love you. I just love you because you are my child. You're mine and I love you.
You should have seen their smiles!
Go ahead, ask the question. Make sure your children know the right answer.
(January 2007) (
