Expanding Your Family: How To Tell When You're Ready for Another Baby

Hi all again. We would like to start trying for number two. Our little boy is now 1 (this week). How hard is the transition to having 2 children? It one of those subject where elders tell me 'it will be soooo hard'. But they also told me the sleepless night would be 'sooo hard'. We all take it in our stride. Is the transition the same?

Some couples know from the moment they get together what their ideal timing is for growing a family.  If you aren't feeling so sure about what the timing should be for expanding your family, here are a few things to process in your conversation with your partner.

• How's my health?  Women struggling with recurring miscarriage, chronic health problems, infertility or depression will want to follow doctor's orders to the letter in order to ensure the most healthy circumstances for trying to conceive.  Consult your doctor first and foremost, especially when having another child has implications for other health issues.
• How is my current level of self-care?  Some parents bounce back quickly after the birth of the first child.  If you feel comfortable in your current routines and don't feel overwhelmed by the amount of output you are currently offering, then it might be a sign that you have the energy reserves to parent a second child.  My firstborn was extremely active and not naturally wired for routine or regularity, so we delayed trying for a second until our routines were finally established.  Parents of kids who prefer routines might be ready to take the plunge a little bit sooner. 
  
• What's my parenting preference?  Some parents dread the thought of getting all the way through the baby stage, only to start from scratch three years later.  In this case, many parents choose to have two babies closer together and get it all over with in one shot.  Other parents prefer to focus on one baby at a time, leaving more space between kids one and two.  If you really enjoy parenting newborns and small children, the idea of siblings close in age might be your parenting heaven.  Know that by having kids closer in age, you'll be parenting closer in stage for many years to come.
  
• How's my support network?  Parents looking at the possibility of two children under two (or less!) will want to make sure that they have hands-on support to ease the transition.  In my experience, the happiest parents of young siblings were those who were surrounded by supportive friends and family who were willing to be actively involved.  If your closest loved ones live out of town or aren't available (or willing) to help you on a regular basis, think creatively about finding the support you need before expanding your family. 
  
• Is my partner ready?  Babies need the full welcome of both parents, no matter how tempted we are to believe otherwise.  Take seriously your partner's apprehension, eagerness, dreams and fears.   Contrary to popular opinion, babies rarely fix broken relationships or improve marriages.  On the other hand, there's something incredibly bonding about entering into the act of conception with a shared vision of welcoming another child into your family.  It's worth it to wait until you are both ready.  Don't hold back in conversation either way, if you already know in your heart what you want. 
  
• What kinds of fantasies about potential sibling relationships am I entertaining right now?  Lots of people have children close together (or far apart) because they believe that this is the one way to ensure siblings will grow up to be friends.  Sibling studies reveal that friendship between brothers and sisters has as much to do with temperament and personality as anything else.  For every story of closely spaced siblings who are best friends, there's a story of near-age siblings who couldn't stand each other.   Keep in mind that you can offer one child the gift of a sibling, but what your kids do with that gift is entirely up to them.  Bring baby #2 into the picture because you want to parent another child first and foremost.
• What's my vision for my life?  Some women are hard-wired for parenting and have looked forward to this experience for most of their growing up years.  If your primary dreams include growing a family, factor this into your decision-making.  Parents who see child-rearing as their primary job will have a much easier time assimilating more children into the family than parents who are actively juggling career, work and personal interests.  Take seriously your personal vision of your future.  The number of children you imagine in your old age is sure to be a trustworthy guide as you make your decision. I always thought I wanted four kids, but so far two is the perfect number for achieving my dual goals of being a parent and an artist.
• What's my gut telling me?  If the idea of being pregnant or nursing again fills you with dread, consider giving yourself more time to be really ready.  On the other hand, if you see babies in the grocery store and feel weepy, it might be time to try.  You probably already know deep down if you're ready or not, so trust yourself.  
  

There's no one way to make this decision, clearly.  Each couple figures out in their own style what's best for them.    Even our best planning requires surrender--babies come to us in their own time, even when we're trying!   I hope these questions help for those who are trying to determine if they are ready for baby number two (or three or four!)--no matter when that particular little one decides when to make the grand entrance.