I recently watched a movie about a teenage girl who became pregnant. When it came to the time that she had to tell her parents, she was terrified, but inevitably had to do it. Her parents reacted poorly, as she feared they would, and they over-emphasised that she had
ruined her life, and pressured her into marrying the teenage boy who was the father of the baby. In the end she believed that she had ruined her life by having the baby, and her child grew up blaming himself for a lot of her missed opportunities to better her life - of course it was not his fault, or hers, but the blame really lay with her family and friends for not supporting what she wanted to do with her life and helping her to juggle motherhood and a career by doing simple things to help her out when she needed it. They also were very much to blame for instilling in her the belief that having the child ruined her life, a belief which she couldn't help but pass onto her child - though she never meant to make him feel that way and didn't directly blame him as she did understand that he was just an innocent child.
I have seen this exact scenario happen in real life. I have seen teenage girls get kicked out of their homes because they have become pregnant. I've known girls that have been totally abandoned by their loved ones in shame. And the concept of pregnancy ruining lives isn't just restricted to teenage girls. I've seen career women break down and cry that their life is ruined. I've seen men stress out because they feel "trapped" by a woman becoming pregnant to them. When I was giving birth to my eldest son - which was an unplanned pregnancy and I wouldn't change it for the world - the girl in the room opposite me was a terrified and alone 14 year old with no idea of what to expect, and no friend or family member to be with her during her labour. Apparently she was the third such case the hospital had that week. It made me wonder what century I was living in, and I vowed to speak out against this injustice at every opportunity since - so here I go again.
Accidental pregnancies happen. Sickness and other medications can cause the pill to become ineffective, condoms break, diaphrams slip out of place, morning after pills fail, and spermicides only have to miss one little sperm and all hell breaks loose. No matter how careful we are, short of successful surgical procedures, unplanned pregnancies can still happen. Some people might try to claim that the best contraception is simply chastity, but when we consider the reality of society's attitude towards casual sex and the sad fact that rape does happen, it's all fine and well to say that, but that doesn't always work either. Realistically, it is something that we must accept as part of life, and if it happens to us or our children, we should approach it with a mature, understanding and logical attitude.
A very dear friend of mine became pregnant and had her baby boy at the age of 15. She had to leave school and raise the boy on her own. For the first years that I knew her she often felt very down about her situation and regreted her decision to keep the baby. Being 5 years older than her, I could see one thing in her furure that she couldn't, and I was more than willing to remind her about it often. That is, although she couldn't go out and party like her friends of the same age were doing, and although she had to leave school early; when her friends were stuck at home with kids and quitting work to prioritise caring for their families, she will be returning to school, finish her education, chase a career, and will be able to go out and have fun. The only difference is that her friends will be doing these things at a younger age. An age where looking into the far future is beyond them. Where getting roped into committing some spur of the moment stupid crime doesn't seem such a bad thing, until years later when they realise they can't get into the career they want because of their police record. Where they really don't know what they will be doing in 20 years time, they will have trouble focusing their studies to guide them into the career they want, and regardless of what career they start with, chances are, they will end up wanting to chase a totally new career by the time they reach 40 years of age and will need to go back and re-educate to get into their new career anyway. My friend, when she reaches the time where her child has grown up and is able to take responsibility for himself and thus is not so reliant on her, she will be more mature and able to see into that far future. She will know better than to get roped into doing something stupid by thoughtless and immature friends. She will have a far better idea of what she wants to do with the rest of her life, so when she goes to finish her education, she can focus on doing the courses that will guide her into the career she will work in for the rest of her life.
Fortunately she did have the support of her parents. Her son is now a good and responsible teenager - well, he has been so far - and is able to do most things for himself. This year, he turns 15 and she will be 30 years old. She now has time to go out and have her fun, but she does so in a more mature and responsible manner than she would have when she was younger. She has finished her education and has spent the last few years chasing a career. Ultimately, I was right. Although she missed out on a lot when she was younger, she was able to better experience things when she was older. She struggled and suffered terribly when she was younger, but is a far stronger person for it now. She hasn't changed a soiled nappy for about 12 years. The last time I changed a soiled nappy was less than 12 months ago!
Keeping an unexpected pregnancy is a huge decision, but regardless of age or circumstance, it isn't necessarily a bad one. It doesn't ruin lives, it just changes them. The change is a drastic one regardless of if the pregnancy is planned or not, it just takes a bit more effort to adapt if it is unplanned, as it is not just the parent's life that is changed, but their life plans need to adapt as well. Child care is a good and valid option nowdays for any parent that wants to further their studies or career. There is a lot more community support for parents now than ever before, and with the rate of divorce increasing in the past few decades, the chances of singles finding themselves with a partner that already has children is higher than ever, and many people are far more willing to accept that now. Being a single parent is no longer as taboo as it used to be. Ultimately, there is no reason why anyone should be made to feel like their life is ruined by having children.
Now I'm not condoning teenage pregnancy here. I think that we should do all we can to encourage our children to avoid the situation of an unplanned pregnancy at all costs, and so should we. The point that I am trying to make is that if the worst case scenario strikes, we should be careful how we deal with it, and that may mean a change of attitude for some.
Pressuring parent's-to-be to marry just because of a pregnancy is nothing but a recipe for disaster. Domestic violence rates are too high as it is, without contributing to the problem by forcing two people that don't want to spend their lives together to get married. Pressuring the mother-to-be to have a termination, is nothing short of cruel and controlling, and can cause devastating effects to their self-esteem and can create long-term psychological problems, such as depression and anxiety. The same effects can occur with pressuring someone to keep the baby against their will, and it can also have the added complication of increasing the chances of the parent being bitter, and even abusive or neglectful towards the child. Forcing someone to leave their job because of pregnancy is just as bad for a person's self-esteem. Sure, some jobs are simply not safe to work while pregnant, but pregnancy only lasts 9 months. After which, the mother should be entitled to return to work as soon as she is fit to do so. Evicting a parent-to-be from their home is harsh, cruel, uncaring, completely heartless, and yet another recipe for total disaster. At a time when the parent-to-be needs the support of their family the most, they are thrown to the street! Parents that do that to their children are nothing but selfish and superficial, and they are the one's that deserve to be kicked to the gutter in my opinion. However, enforcing the belief that the parent-to-be's life has been ruined by having children is the ultimate sin, as it not only destroys their self-esteem, but also instills a sense of blame for all future failures upon their child. This in turn increases the chances of the child being abused or neglected by the parent, destroys the child's self-esteem, and causes the child to feel a lot of unnecessary and unwarrented feelings of guilt and self-blame.
Keeping an unexpected pregnancy drastically changes, but doesn't necessarily ruin, lives. Making people believe it does is what definately will ruin those lives.
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